Are you good enough?

Here I am writing my first blog post of 2015.. I’ve got a big year coming up too; placement one, my big science exam on the 16th, really making a name for myself at Julia’s House.. it feels good to feel genuinely excited for the first time in years at the prospects of the year ahead!

As I’ve mentioned on Facebook, I’ll be based as a health visitor in New Milton for my first placement and I’m really looking forward to it. It will be the first time I’ve been in a place of work as an employee (or as a student, which is learning how to be an employee) other than volunteering. It will be very interesting to see how my fatigue copes with full time work – yes that’s right, full time work!

It’s interesting that something like 80-90% of people with a severe brain injury never return to employment. My tutor gave me the option of working part time, but I’ve never been one to say “I can’t” do something unless I’ve at least given it a try.

In fact, “I can’t” isn’t even in my vocabulary to be honest! Besides, I love nursing and I really believe if you try hard enough you can achieve anything. Obviously this depends entirely o the person, I know that someone who is paralysed won’t necessarilyy be able to run a marathon, for example.

But I’m not paralysed

So there is nothing I won’t try. I owe it to the majority of survivors who don’t make as good a recovery as me, the ones who wish they could do more but their body simply doesn’t let them. Anyway, if I was paralysed, I would probably find another way to do the marathon just to give fate the finger. Tally ho!

The studying

So if any of you out there are survivors and wondering how I’m getting on with the academic side, this little bit is for you. If not, read on, or put your phone down and get back to the ironing:

I am currently finishing an assignment and have a science exam this month. We didn’t have any lectures for the exam, so it has all been self taught from a 29 chapter book. The revising has been a lot easier than the essay writing, that’s for sure!

Essay Joy

Within a few minutes of starting my essay all the lines that I’ve typed on the keyboard merge into one. My head starts pounding and my eyes get hot. I get a feeling of butterflies flying around in my head which makes me feel sick. I start to get an intense zinging like motion that shoots right across the side of my head each time I move my eyeballs.

I get really dizzy and damage to my 4th cranial nerve means that I can alleviate these minor technical difficulties by tilting my head to the right slightly, although this only helps minimally. 

The miracle of science

If I try a practice paper for my science exam, within a few minutes of intense concentration the same thing happens. For these reasons I get extended time for my exam, plus extra breaks whenever I need them. The support at the university will play a big role in my attempt to get this degree, thank god for their great support.

But I’m not complaining. I’m used to discomfort and being in pain, at least when I’m going through it here I’m actually achieving something rather than simply existing. 

I’ll finish with this:

When training to be accepted into the SAS (special Air service) soldiers are pushed to their limits, both psychologically, mentally and physically. Very few pass and the selection process goes on for months at a time.

When they are being interrogated, pushed to their physical capabilities and tested mentally; some of the guys start to believe its personal. The army are trying to break them down, trying to make them fail. But the truth is; they’re not. It’s not personal, they are just seeing if you’re good enough.

This also can be applied to life. When you are given challenge after challenge and you suffering over and over again, things just don’t let up and your constantly given new obstacles without any form of a break, it doesn’t mean life hates you.

It doesn’t mean life wants you to fail.

It doesn’t want to see you hurt,

it doesn’t want you to give up. It’s not personal

IT’S JUST SEEING IF YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH

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