Have you ever heard of the term ‘twin flame’?
I’m not sure that it really resonates on a conceptual level for me
But since I’ve been in a relationship with the wonderful Dee Brown, which is now been for the best part of three years, what it points towards feels rather profound.
If you haven’t heard the term, maybe look it up and see what you think before carrying on with this blog so it makes a bit more sense.
A man I know wrote once:
If you find yourself leaving your true nature or heart throughout the day, becoming stressed or losing touch with peace, take a few minutes to reconnect. This can be done by lying down, taking a walk, meditating, reading a book or having a bath.
All the above are helpful ways to reconnect with myself during busy periods. In fact I find myself constantly looking for ways to reconnect and remember that I am not this anger that has arisen, or this sadness or helplessness that is apparently ‘who I am’ in this moment.
But I consider myself even luckier because I have something else which has turned out to be a blessing …
Spending time with Dee, or even just connecting over the phone for a few minutes, is like a magic tonic for the soul that I am unable to verbalise..
..or simply sitting with her, nothing needs to be said. I couldn’t give a fly’s fart about any conversation or needing to fill the space with words when we’re together, if it doesn’t feel needed.
When I’m with her there is a profound relaxation of my nervous system. This was a new experience for me and there was a lot of resistance to begin with.
It’s like I’ve taken a small dose of valium or something, there is an intense physical relaxation that’s very noticeable.
In the beginning, when I would find it challenging to accept certain things about myself which I’d (and others) had unconsciously (and consciously) chosen to reject or dislike all my life, it was a real shock to see that Dee could love those parts, almost unconditionally, even if I couldn’t yet.
For the first time in my life, it seemed like the more I could surrender to being myself and less like someone else, the more she would love me. Literally, the more myself I would be, no matter how bizarre, the more love would flow.
This initially helped flex the self acceptance muscle and I slowly started to realise that the parts of myself I’d been rejecting all my life was maybe just a choice I had been making. An old pattern, which maybe wasn’t useful anymore. After all, if Dee could love those parts of myself, why couldn’t I?
Without a beard I look like an 11 year old boy
Being in such a loving relationship, with someone who is my best friend as well as my right arm, along with the blessing of an amazing family, has helped me realise that maybe there is no need to fix or change anything about myself.
Maybe love is not about being perfect. Maybe love just is, and it doesn’t give a shit what I’m like as a person.
Before realising this I think I may have had it all wrong..
This is the voice of a part of myself I often referred to as Terry, who’d always find fault in my actions.
After meeting Terry, I decided to give him a different job. One that didn’t involve constant criticism.
When I look at plants, or when a really cute cat headbutts my leg and purrs, I spend time with my daughter, cook and laugh with my parents, hug my sister, be in the company with Dee: all the above mixes into one.
When I am able to give myself to the moment and forget about any pre-conceived ideas about how I should be as a person, or how life should be, all the above become indistinguishable. If only for a few moments. But those moments seem to be enough.
I use the word love. It’s indescribable, its as sweet as a peach in treacle, and it feels like even the ‘L’ word can only point towards its true essence without fully capturing it…
So when I look at a cute cat that makes my heart melt, I might see a flicker of Dee. Or if I’m looking at a really cute baby, I might notice my parents in there somewhere. Or if I’m staring at an amazing tree in the middle of the countryside, all of a sudden I’ll see Reese!
And now when I hug Dee, something else happens. It’s like the hug is imbued with ‘something else’..
Over a period of years, the love that was so objective and dependant on circumstances has started to widen to include that idea of ‘something else’.
I’ve gradually started to see, when consciousness outweighs identification, that the ‘something else’ that is imbued in the hug, which communicates everything and beyond, actually has the potential to be seen as imbued in everything else too.
There might be a lover (Mikey) and a loved (Dee, parents, Reese) but when the idea of love only existing between these ‘objects’ is relaxed, I started asking myself; ‘what if there isn’t actually any boundary to this feeling we call ‘love’ at all?’.
Vaccine or no Vaccine?
“I got them to jab me in my left arm because I like to spoon you on my right side’.
It’s becoming more and more obvious to me that the idea that love only exists under certain circumstances, i.e. between two people and without ‘stressful’ circumstances might not be 100% accurate, thats it could actually be seen everything, if one chooses to look, and it could be available at any given moment, no matter how dire the moment might seem.
Having the experience of such an amazing family and Dee has helped me stay open to this theory and I am confident it will continue to do so
Maybe love really is everywhere. Maybe it’s a choice to see, if I choose it over other old patterns, which is visible which and can be tapped into in any given moment..
…Or maybe not….
.. I haven’t finished with the exploration yet. But for now, the experience of love in itself seems like enough of a blessing. I’ll keep you posted!