My time during lockdown has been an interesting one too say the least.
I’m hearing lots of stories of people enjoying the quiet time and opportunity for reflection
Whereas I’ve touched on levels of drama and darkness I truly believed I’d transcended, or ‘moved past’, many years ago! Alas, we learn something new every day.
I’ve learned that when living a clean life full of health and vitality, it makes no difference to what’s really there under the surface. In fact, it probably just keeps it hidden for a bit longer until you’re ready to face it.
Everyone knows: healthy body healthy mind. But I’ve realised that darkness was always there regardless of how monk-like my lifestyle has been, and was just waiting for an opportunity to rear it’s head again.
I am not a Himalayan yogi who is abstinent or who is free from all ‘negative’ emotions and thoughts. Maybe believing that was just part of this new ego which was created to fit in with a different group of people I currently find myself around.
Whether it’s been trying to fit in with some sort of gangster or criminal lifestyle, becoming a children’s nurse ‘against the odds’ or a level headed guy who has mystical experiences and meditates for hours and hours everyday, it’s all just been a character I’ve built up to help me feel like I’m fitting in with those nearby at the time.
Over the past 5 months, I have become very serious. I’ve not allowed much room for play.
Which is a stark contrast to the person I believed myself to be up until now
But neither is true, because I’m not either. I’m consciousness having a human experience in this body.
Talking of which, my body is not in the best of health. Society would class me has having an ‘invisible disability’, if people chose to see it, but no fucker can see it anyway, so why buy into that?
My brain was damaged severely 8 years ago which altered the course of my life completely.
I do live with the effects of this, meaning my mind isn’t completely clear of thoughts like most spiritual seekers and yogis would profess, because a huge aspect of life after sustaining a severe brain injury is full of extra little gems like severe rumination, mood swings, depression, anxiety, frustration, word finding problems, memory loss, exhaustion and confusion (‘I get that too, don’t worry!’ said everyone).
Thats not the makeup of a yogi or a spiritual seeker surely? Well this just in..
I’m throwing my hands up. I’m not a yogi or spiritual seeker or anything. I’m a human being who doesn’t know what the fuck is going on half the time. I’m in no control whatsoever.
And because no one can possibly even see the invisible challenges that are there, I’ve built up a nice little ‘victim’ persona to help me navigate my way through life.
I do not feel I understand the rules to the game that everyone else is playing.
I also do not blindly follow the rules that everyone else is able to simply accept without questioning
So there are two big reasons as to why I’ve maybe always felt like such an outcast and never really felt able to ‘fit in’ among social groups.
After I woke up from my coma, it was like I could just ‘see’ things as they are. I could read people, I could sense their emotions, their intentions, their energy. I kept seeing things before they happened and it all seemed so obvious, but not to anyone else!
I just don’t feel I can relate, or I feel that I’m on such a different page to everyone else I just go around in circles trying to explain myself. All I want to do now is talk about aliens and communicating with entities. Who the fuck has time for that?!
The more I realise that words aren’t helping, the more I try to talk. This usually ends with feelings of isolation and frustration and often feeling like a complete nobber who should probably have just kept his mouth shut.
I realised today that I hadn’t written an honest blog for a long time.
This is partly because my new ego was scared of exposing itself as a fraud.
Make no mistake, 90% of what I’ve written here doesn’t sound quite like I meant it to sound, but I guess that’s all part of the lesson.
I’m not a criminal. I’m not a nurse. I’m not a spiritual seeker. I’m not a man. I’m not a ‘doer’ of anything.
All this stuff going on around us which we think we’re in control of would happen whether we’re here or not.