Plan for a miracle

My head is going round and round. I’m in a tight spot and I have no idea what to do, so I’m resorting to writing out of sheer desperation!

I made a confession to someone in management where I work recently

I said that I wasn’t really coping with the busyness and the workload. I said that It’s such a busy unit and my head just wasn’t keeping up.

At first I ignored the head pain, but I ended up making things worse for myself

Everyone else around me is pulling their weight so I suffer secretly and hope it will go away and I’ll be alright.

This was a bad strategy

Because low and behold I’m off sick AGAIN.

As hard as it was to have this conversation It was agreed that this probably isn’t the best place for me to work as a new nurse and I accepted that for what it was as best as I could.

But the question is whether anywhere else would want or be willing to hire a newly qualified nurse who can only work two measley days a week.

Being realistic: it’s really not likely

But I guess I’ll face that challenge when it arrives.

As my tutor at uni would often ask me.. so what now?

Do I Push myself but risk potentially really doing some damage to my health?

Do I Walk away from this job and the unit I love and wanted to work in for the past 3 years?

I have no idea how this is going to end.

Maybe I need to remember how lucky I am. After all This wasn’t just a sprained ankle, I still became a qualified nurse and I enjoyed all the magic that came with it.

And yet I feel like I want to cry all the time. Part of me feels like I’m failing and should try to do better or find another solution like I’ve done before.

I think to myself that there might be other people out there dealing with similar issues but have nowhere to turn for guidance, like I feel now.

And that’s why I carry on writing this blog, as difficult as it is to write

I know I’ve given the best part of 10 years of my life to being the best nurse I could possibly be.

I’ll always be thankful for the people that helped me to get there.

And whatever it is I decide to do next, which right now I have absolutely no idea of, will ever change that.

Advertisements

Do what you can

I felt better When I woke up this morning so I had Reese on my own for a couple of hours for the first time in weeks this afternoon which was great and much needed.

But …

…now I can barely lift my head off the pillow. I’m feeling how I did back on day 1.

I literally cannot get out of bed.

I’ve barely seen my daughter in two weeks!All we did was stay indoors today.

I feel recently all I do on this blog is post only the seemingly ‘negative’ experiences I have

Well this just in: this isn’t actually negative. It’s just real life on a daily basis for people like me (everyone to a point).

And I’ve learned to deal with it as normally as I would when I get earwax.

It’s not particularly pleasant but it’s only temporary

Although Being on probation as a newly qualified nurse means that after 6 months, my nursing performance, along with my sick record is a deciding factor in whether I’ll be kept on.

Oh dear. I’m only on month 4!

I’ve done everything I can these past two weeks to get myself better and I still feel like poop. For a split second today I actually felt a bit excited that I was on the mend.

Acceptance

There’s no point in panicking about what I can’t do anything about.

It’s important to remember that nobody can ever know what You go through and nor should they. It’s not their problem nor their business.

This is just who I am

I also learned you have to accept life and yourself for what they are. It’ll do no good complaining or feeling sorry for yourself.

Some doctors think I might have some other things wrong with me as a result of the accident.

Shit will really hit the fan if they’re right

I’ll find out about that when it eventually surfaces.

And working as a nurse still in a probationary period?

What will happen will happen. I need to focus on getting myself better and I’ll deal with the rest of life’s challenges when they come.

In the words of Chandler from friends: ‘one ridiculous problem at a time!’

But I won’t hide who I am.

I do have problems with my head and this is probably the result of me pushing myself too far when after starting something new.

I’m not the fastest, brightest or Most socially acceptable person anymore and that’s fine with me.

So why pretend otherwise? The time for acceptance has long passed for me and I just have to focus on what I do have some control over: like resting.

In accordance with the SAS mentality:

Focus on dealing with what you can do something about and forget about what you don’t have control over.

In conclusion: It’s so important that we keep on keeping on!

Day 7

Saw the doctor today. He’s signed me off work for a week and told me to come back if I need longer.

My head is In agony

I’ve had a constant headache for 7 days. I have been dizzy during all that time and felt even sicker.

I have an upset stomach and I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up

I’ve been prescribed prochlorperazine, by request, to help ease the dizziness and sickness.

Let’s hope it helps

The dizziness is like having major motion sickness but 24/7. I don’t know what on earth is going on.

Waking up every morning feels like someone has given my head the good news with a sledgehammer

There has to be something more going on but I don’t know what.

Years of rehabilitation

Where the duck have I gone wrong

Usually I’m on top of things with my head But I’m so confused now. What major mistake did I make?

Usually it takes a lot for me to waver and be the patient.

But right now my head is completely ducked.

My body is wrecked. That was never in the brain injury booklet.

Forget work, I can barely walk 600 yards without feeling as though I’ll pass out at the moment

I feel exactly the same as I did on day 1. Let’s see what day 8 will bring.

Day 6

In the last week I’ve barely seen my daughter and I’ll be honest it’s starting to get to me

I felt better yesterday so went to see her at my mum’s house for the day. We stayed indoors and played games.

It was so good to spend the day with her and I really loved every second of doing that

We’d arranged to go bowling today which I’ve been rather excited about.

You appreciate the small things when you don’t see your kids as much as you’d like, so bowling was a great idea which I couldn’t wait for.

But In true head injury fashion today I’ve woken up and I can barely lift my head off the pillow.

My speech is so slurred I sound like I’ve had 10 bottles of desperados

It’s been 6 days of feeling like this now. I’ve lived in bed all week!

But neuro-fatigue is a tricky one

It leads you to believe you’re better but then has it’s way with you when you try to do things again. Hence why I saw Reese yesterday, I didn’t think I’d be this bad.

But I’m not complaining

I just miss spending time with her

I’ve never had her on my own overnight

Because of the nightmares. When she’s older hopefully we can explain them to her.

To be honest she’s pretty cool with my head issues. She seems to understand why I can’t do much with her and she never complains

She’s one of the few people who get me and accept me for who I am

Anyway. I’ve told her I can’t go bowling today but I’ve told her to she has to beat nanny B and have a good time.

I’m shit at bowling anyway

So now it’s back to the drawing board.

6 days in bed obviously wasn’t enough.

Maybe this is why I don’t take life too seriously. I also have a major dislike in seeing other people suffer, with whatever it might be. Life is too short for suffering.

Each challenge or hurdle in your life holds a gift, the trick is to find it,

That’s why I strongly believe that we should be grateful for the difficult times: they’re simply an opportunity to grow as a person.

Whilst I live for the moment, sometimes (albeit for a fleeting moment) I can’t help but long for the day Reese is old enough to understand why I seem to miss out on so much of her life.

One heck of a ride

Granted, subarachnoid haemorrhages, frontal and parietal lobe haematomas, sepsis, 6-7 fractures to the skull and neck, diffuse axonal injury and petechial haemorrhages aren’t things many people survive, let alone get the chance to write about surviving.

Every moment for me feels like a gift

Despite being told I couldn’t do it, I started again with my nurse training and got there after 7 years of constant setbacks.

Well I’m currently experiencing another setback

I’ve been off sick for a week. I’m in my probationary period still at work.

Nursing means so much to me

I love kids. Brain injured Mikey and kids seem to work.

You don’t need to like someone to feel compassion towards them

Never mind everything else I Tend to downplay to people on a daily basis, neuro-fatigue is something that, if you constantly push yourself through on a daily basis, will catch up to you eventually.

I’m no longer fussed about being misunderstood

That came from years of experience, suffering and a profound sense of continual loss.

I also learned that despite writing about my life honestly, I was still being misunderstood.

No matter if you’re honest about your life or not, other people aren’t here to understand you

So I learned how to not care what people think and that was what gave me real freedom.

I learned that Nonsense spreads a lot faster than the truth.

Consequently I learned not to care what’s being said about me either way.

This blog has usually been popping up on your feed quite regularly. Since I resumed my training actually.

But now I feel myself less keen to write.

It’s hard reducing life to words

There are 5 years of blogs to read on this site. Lots of pain and certainly lots of drama.

But what about when you get to the point where you can no longer put your life into words?

Like my other setbacks, this one will eventually reach its climax.

In the meantime I’ll hope for the best with my job and continue to rest every day and try and get better as much as I can. Stay posted.

I’m a qualified nurse with a brain injury (yeah it has happened)

This is going to be one heck of a ride.

The real hell

When you’re driving along the motorway on the way to work in the dark at 70mph at 6:30 in the morning and you suddenly feel razor blades start to slice the inside of your cranium and a 20 stone sumo wrestler is positioning himself on top your head, you know you’re probably in a spot of bother.

Frontal and parietal lobe bleeds and Subarachnoid haemorrhages are a daisy.

That was three days ago. Since then, I am not embellishing when I say I’ve spent 95% of my time in bed.

Fair enough, Diffuse Axonal Injury involves the tearing and destruction of the nerve cells in your brain, which does sound rather serious

The fact they’re the only cells in the body that do not regenerate after severe damage is just typical!

What I’m experiencing right now is neuro-exhaustion as a result of these wonderful experiences which pretty much comes from simply too much output not enough input. I cant help but see this as the perfect excuse to order a dominoes.

Winter survival deal. Boom.

It feels like you don’t even have enough energy to stand up. Your limbs feel like jelly, you have a headache 24/7 and it feels like someone has put glue around the back of your eyeballs!

The sickness is the worst. Thats from the dizziness, which is pretty constant throughout the day but gets worse after about 5pm

The energy it takes just to talk or try to hold a conversation is tantamount to exhaustion in itself. And yet, nobody knows what it feels like, especially if you look outwardly well.

Ive had to take more time off work. This really wont bode well as I’m still in my probationary period

And yet I cant stop thinking to myself how lucky I am.

Because all this would be a lot harder in a wheelchair

I have a job I love (for now at least) I have a family. People at work offer me help and try to support me the best they can. I can walk, talk and wash myself.

During my coma which lasted 2 weeks, I was totally conscious

So I know what it feels like to be in a vegetative state where you cant do anything other than feel acute pain, and listen to conversations going on around you being spoken by people who think their words are being spoken in private.

No matter what happened to me yesterday, everyday I wake up I feel like Ive been given another chance at life.

All I want to do is grab it with both hands. Even if I’m stuck in bed feeling exhausted and helpless, ill focus my energy totally to doing even the simplest of things; eating, drinking, resting. This is how I’ve learned to love spending time on my own.

No matter what is going on in your life, if you’re still able to put your feelings of despair, sadness, worry, anxiety or anger aside and focus on everyday things like this with complete dedication and gratitude your life will start to become magical. You will start to flourish and you’ll find happiness when realising that you always had it.

This is the reason I had to do the nursing

Because I love it. I love helping families through hard times. I like that when I am being myself completely this can help other people. I’m happy to be the clumsy clown because it makes people laugh and I don’t care about much else.

But Rome wasn’t built in a day. I learned to fully merge myself in the daily tasks of eating, sleeping, resting, cooking etc. It was only after I learned to do this that the magic started to happen and the impossible became the improbable.

I remember thinking…

as I was tied down to the stretcher inside the leer jet that made its 17 hour journey up from Mexico to Canada, to Greenland and then to the UK…

If I can survived this I’m making myself a promise to never forget

The smell of the ventilator tubes, the noise of it breathing for me..I’ll never forget that

Even the moment I experienced death before being sucked back into existence through being resuscitated and finally intubated

Every day I am thankful I’m not in those circumstances.

Now I want to laugh like there’s no tomorrow and I don’t take much in life seriously….

Because at any moment you could find yourself in the fiery pits of hell, yet I cant help but think the real hell would be not to appreciate the little things you have in life everyday.

Catastrophising

Catastrophising feels like you’re living in your worst nightmare that you can’t really explain with words.

You could use the word ‘anxiety’ to describe it

But I’ve felt anxiety Before and this feels much worse. My consultant first told me about ‘catatrophising’ 7 years ago after the accident.

It’s like having a panic attack

It’s horrible. Your heart races and you feel an impending sense of doom, or ‘catastrophe’ and it loomes larger until the wave of panic eventually subsides.

I don’t know what to do

I thought once I became a qualified nurse it might get better, but I’ve had some challenging days at work lately and it seems to be happening more.

This blog is about transparency

It’s fair to say that for the most part I feel I am a calm person, not much gets me excited and I take life with a pinch of salt. But sometimes it appears my new brain doesn’t seem to like me being so ‘cool’.

This isn’t ‘me’, it’s my head which has taken a bit of a battering over the years

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you’re physically capable of. Maybe you can pull off the miracle of achieving something numerous professionals told you you couldn’t ever achieve.

Then again Maybe they said it for a reason

Perhaps you can fool yourself into believing you can achieve things but you can’t undamage your brain. No amount of willpower can achieve that.

I don’t know the answer,

I’m just trying to work through this the only way I know how: through honesty and meditation. No one has the manual to life let alone brain injury life.

The worse part is that no one can ever really understand what you’re talking about. I don’t understand it at the best of times what chance do other people have?

Whether it’s anxiety; depression, social anxiety, epilepsy, crohns, autism, heart issues, kidney issues, brain issues, liver issues or whatever issues: we are all human and our health can throw up all sorts of issues that we all share similarly.

We label some of these shared issues as ‘depression’ or ‘anxiety’, to name a few

That’s not to say we don’t feel lonely when we experience them. But maybe talking about it is the first step?

Or perhaps I’m just trying to justify why I’m rambling right now. One thing I do know is that I’m not alone in feeling like this. I’ve learned through people reaching out to me after reading my blogs that In some way shape or form, there are people out there who may have experienced something similar to me, if not the same.

But I believe writing and being open about what life is like after a brain injury is important, not just for me but for everyone else too, whether they have had a brain injury or not.