So what have I actually been doing with myself for the past 3/4 years since I would frequently blog about being a children’s nurse with a health disability?
Starting to understand myself a bit more I guess. Meet some places that I ran from in myself, that I would deny or judge as wrong.
I started realising that all my life I’ve spent a lot of time creating splits, within myself and others, mainly of right and wrong. Better or worse. Good and bad.
Because I wanted to feel better and the way I thought I could do this by always being the right one, the better one or the good one.
It turned out that was a lot of hard work
I started to realise that It’s pretty tough basing my happiness on being perceived in a certain way, by myself or others, which is the same thing really.
Why did I do this?
Who knows? Maybe it was because I couldn’t live with who I was as a person. I hated myself.
So what am I left with so far after 4 years of determined ‘searching’ and reflection?
I don’t know really. But the obsession with wanting all the answers to questions like these is disappearing. And I’m left with the ordinariness of not knowing what the fuck this is all about. But I feel a bit better about that now days!
What if all along, this was just about drinking a cup of tea? Or reading my book. Or going for a walk, or feeling completely miserable and lost. Or having a beer. Or just being in a really bad fucking mood.
Oh shit. What if this has all just been a wild goose chase?
Then I may as well enjoy the chase as much as I can.
And anyway, drinking a cup of tea has never felt better 🙂