As as kid, seeing how ugly people were to each other in the world really fucked me up.
‘If you can’t understand them, join them‘, my genius mind (I’ll call him Terry for sake of ease) persuaded me.
Following Terry’s advice, I decided to do a load of drugs and partake in alcohol and got myself involved with some naughty people who were into being really naughty.
‘You need to fit in with the crowd otherwise they’ll see that you’re not really all these things and you’ll be rejected’ Terry have a way of convincing me.
So he helped build me a personality that suited someone who was a violent, alcoholic, drug taking, womanising but sensitive soul.
Always good to have the sensitive soul part to fall back on, just in case I did decide to make a return form the dark side
Then suddenly, after spending a random Thursday night sleeping in a South London police station waiting area, Terry and I had an epiphany to become a children’s nurse and save the world.
So I cleaned up my act, got married, moved to Bournemouth and renounced my life of grime.
And Terry helped me to build a new personality to help me fit into my latest role, which consisted of being someone who;
- Wanted to become a qualified nurse and help everyone
- Could make children and people laugh under any circumstances
- Was great in life saving emergency situations
Then a trip to sunny Mexico really fucked things up for that persona.
So after a divorce but finally qualifying to become a nurse (albeit with a hidden disability and with many years of shit in between), I decided I had to resign after only 4 months of qualifying.
After realising my ‘dreams’ of becoming a children’s nurse were just that: dreams, I had some crazy mystical-as-fuck experiences.
So now, Terry convinced me to become uber spiritual instead and join some meditation and yoga classes.
To be fair to him he worked his arse off with this persona…
..which consisted of the following traits;
- Never feeling angry or having many thoughts at all
- Just being generally all round mystical
My lifetime of very different personas were all built to protect me from feeling inadequate and help me fit in with whatever part of society I was trying to inveigle my way into.
Each time I’d subconsciously create a new persona, Terry would say;
This is the one that will fit!
And each time it would fit for a short period, but in the end I was always left feeling confused and a sell out.
The latest persona/mask is the only one I’ve been conscious I’ve been wearing..
..but I still thought this would be the one that fit.
Watch out for what masks you’re wearing, because whether the masks are seemingly shitty ones through the eyes of society (alcoholic, drug taking womaniser) or ones that are more socially acceptable (peaceful person who meditates for hours every day), you can’t escape the fact that you’re still only wearing a mask.
And sooner or later, you’ll need to give the mask back because it doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to ‘Terry’.