He doesn’t know who I am. They might think they do but they definitely do not. She certainly doesn’t know me.
Whoever you are reading this, one thing is important to know about our relationship. You know what I choose for you to know about me.
I’ve learned living with an invisible illness that the key to ‘living’ (if you can call it that) is using every glycogen molecule in your body to keep your true identity and personality hidden from others.
It sounds negative, but it really isn’t intended to sound this way. Chalk it up however you like, it is the harsh reality of living with a brain injury. Everything is so exhausting; whether it be conversation, socialising or planning anything from buying some milk to going to having a shower.
Some people see a clown. Some people see a ‘bouncer’ looking gym fanatic. Some people see a nurse. Some people see an animal. Some people see an intelligent man (these are the suckers I really love fooling) Some people see a lovely person.. it’s different for everyone!
Every task in your day can potentially reveal your true flaws. The more tired you become undertaking these (what seem to me) menial tasks the greater the likelihood is that you will reveal a chink in your armour.
Thats all the body is. It’s armour that hides the true you. You think because I am young, ‘fit’ and handsome (had to put a compliment in here somewhere) everything is ok? Maybe you’re like 99% of people in the world I live in and actually believe that. Or maybe you are part of the 1% that has a fucking brain cell.
It is important to be aware of this when you have a BI. You must NEVER reveal what is underneath your armour. This will result in a breakdown of relationships and cause pain to others, without you even realising how, when, where or why.
So many different personalities, so many different people that see me differently to what others do as they see a different side to what they see and don’t see the differences.
By playing an acting role so hard for nearly four years I have come detached from any true meaningful relationship. Isn’t that what we, as humans crave, to share our soul with true people? Maybe thats what made me lose my marriage. Who knows, I do what I feel is right to survive. That’s all I’m doing, surviving.
I’m not sure how I’m going to live another 40/50 years playing this acting role. The loneliness is impossible to describe. Why do you think we’re always on our own? We don’t have to put on a show for society when we’re alone. Being around people is a constant reminder of the loneliness and isolation knowing how different we are to ‘normal’ people.
Whenever I’m stupid enough to have been too honest or forthcoming with people I regret it straight away afterwards and curse myself for being so stupid. I was too forthcoming recently and had to grip myself for it, it doesn’t happen much but my eye leaves the ball sometimes.
People come and go.
Now I have learned that instead of acting with some people I just go along with what they say, reminding myself that they probably won’t be in my life for long anyway. Thats the other thing, no one seems to stay put long enough for me to want to share anything anyway.
Ending on a positive note, here’s a joke:
It was so cold outside the other day, I thought I saw a politician with his hands join his own pockets!
P.s. George Osborne is a nob.