EVERYTHING OR NOTHING
I am lucky enough to have met some really special people along this rollercoaster of a ride someone has classed as my life. But for many years now I have been constantly fighting the urge to use this old strategy of mine which really does not work for me now.
My best friend in bournemouth moved to Birmingham a while ago. So instead of being really good mates my initial instinct was to just cut him out.
My best friend since I was young; Theo, still lives in South London. But despite all that we’ve been through together I only met up with him for the first time in 5 years a couple of weeks ago.
I was so close to My mother in law; Julie, who did so much for me and loved me. But because I kept making mistakes and not proving to her that I was a good son in law like I was before my accident – I tried to cut her out.
Instead of accepting that I could still be a good son in law and have a great relationship like we used to, I didn’t get my head round it. It hurt me so much that her other son in law was proving everything that I couldn’t be.
Being cranially challenged, I am a very black and white person. I hate this and it often causes me to make the wrong decisions. My brain constantly tricks me into believing that If I can’t see people then they simply do not exist.
My brain also tells me that if something can’t be how I want it to be then I should just cut it out. Of course this is not what I really want, it is just how my brain works on impulse.
I am determined to not be this way. I hate being like it and I will continue to fight this until I’m old and grey; even if I get dementia, which would certainly be a double whammy. Then again if I got Dementia who the fuck would notice.
I have learned that allowing yourself to be so black and white is disastrous when it comes to relationships and succeeding at anything in life.
The same principal can be applied to my nursing. I wanted to be the best nurse; a known figure who was constantly fighting for improvement and change. I wanted give Florence Nightingale a run for her money, and I wanted it yesterday.
It will take me longer to qualify; which is fine now Ive got my head round that. I know now that nursing cant be as specific as I wanted it to be before, so I need to accept that and deal with the new hand of cards Ive been dealt.
One day Soon, I have the challenge of watching a very good group of friends I have at university go off to qualify while I stay behind with another group of people for another year or two. My impulse was to my university friends out my life, not attend any events and not meet up or socialise with them.
That is self preservation.
(Actually it’s called just being a cowardly twat).
I’m realising that having special people in your life is just as precious even if it is not necessarily the relationship you want with them.
When I met with Theo a few weeks ago it was incredibly emotional for me. We have been through so much; so many people have come and gone in our lives, so much has happened to us, but you know what I saw on that evening we met up?
Two people siting together sharing a meal and despite everything, were still close friends. Like brothers.
As with all my symptoms and weird personality traits, this is a working process. But it is a working process that I cannot allow to stop. I have even been using the ‘acceptance’ meditation pack on my iPhone.
Like other symptoms, it is hard to manage when other factors are thrown into the mix.
These are just some of the little delights that will try their best to mess up your plans.
I always wanted to be a great dad. I wanted Reese to see me as invincible and funny all the time with lots of energy, taking her to the park and anywhere else she wanted to go.
Accepting things that aren’t quite what you want them to be surely applies to everyone anyway. So this blog is for you ordinary black and white bastards too.
It’s quite simple:
I need to be grateful for what I have got and resist the urge to try and force something that it can’t be. If I don’t then I will not having anything or anyone in my life. As with other brain injureds, we need to learn to accept the way things are and simply try to make the best of them.
The only problem is that accepting things is so difficult. God seemed to leave that little peach out of his ‘manual to life’.