Going with the flow

 

Although dead fish seem to be the only ones that go with the flow, I’ll be honest and say that I do too. That’s how I approach ‘negative experiences’ – I go with the flow and see what good I can get out of it at the other end.

This christmas, although I won’t be spending it with my daughter, I will be spending it with my family who are the most important people in the world. Two years ago in January will also be the two year anniversary of Julie’s (my mother in law) tragic death.

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Imagine how hard christmas is going to be for my ex wife. She doesn’t really have anyone close to her who lives nearby, she always visited her mum on christmas day.

Everyone makes bad decisions, we all make bad choices and none of us are perfect, least of all me!

I know it’s going to be tough on her. But I know the best way for me to help contribute to anyone’s happiness is not necessarily involving myself in their lives, but staying well away! This is something I became wise to after my TBI. We’re like the catalysts of drama.

I have told my mum to tell her that I will do anything I can to help make things easier for her over christmas and during the divorce. This is why I have accepted the conditions put to me that Reese will get to spend christmas with her family in London this year instead of with me.

However, it is crucial that things remain as they are, nothing has changed my thoughts on that. Sorry to be cryptic, but some of you will understand what I mean when I say this.

I don’t say these things as a sign of good faith to be brought up in the divorce, it’s because I can only imagine how difficult it must be to lose your mum and have to live the rest of your life without her. Therefore she’ll need as much support from her family as possible. Plus, the divorce rate among my socks is probably messier than this one will ever be anyway, so why be untruthful to myself and make it that way unnecessarily.

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I can love her in my head, in my own way. I don’t need to even see her, I don’t need her to know any of this. I’ve never needed her family and friend’s to know anything about my true actions or thoughts either, I’m content with being misunderstood and their opinions of me being what they are.

I often think about Julie, we were close before my change in personality. I also think about uncle Arthur, who died recently. I think about pop, who was the nicest grandad anyone could wish for, so I’m glad my ex got to have him as hers.

I woke up the other morning and the first thing I thought of was Reese. I constantly think about her, I miss her every single day.

She’s like a mini version of me, everything I find funny I know she will too! That’s why if I’m out and about living my life when I’m without her, I’ll take a picture of something that I know she’ll find funny too. Like a weird looking cat, or pudsy the bear at work (who I wanted to get a picture with just to show her).

It does cause me sadness, I won’t lie. But sadness doesn’t have to be all negative. Besides, It gives me the energy I need everyday to accept and live each moment with as much awareness and intensity as possible.

Sadness doesn’t have to be an ‘all negative emotion’, not if I’m really aware and can use it in the right way.

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