For nearly 10 years now I’ve been trying to become a qualified nurse when in actual fact, I will admit to you today that I do not actually believe I can now become one.
This has to be the cheapest (yet one of the most popular) words used in the English dictionary.
By believing in something you’re inadvertently admitting that it might not be true. Do you believe in the sun? No, you know it to be existential and very real (although perhaps not in the UK). After my most recent betrayal, I lost nearly all faith and hope.
Earlier in the year, once again I found myself being exposed to the sinister side of human nature. As a result I no longer felt I could become a nurse and I forgot who I was.
In my darkest moments I could barely get out of bed. I no longer liked myself, my confidence was non-existent and I didn’t know what I should do about my future.
This is where the word belief serves it’s purpose in the english dictionary for me. I no longer felt I could become a nurse anymore, so I just held onto the belief that I could do it, with no real conviction or understanding of how it could be done.
But I realised that sadness has a beauty of it’s own and I’ve learned when you stop fighting it and become at peace with it, it disappears. Unlike ‘happiness’ (which is loud and short-lived), it should be something to celebrate if it’s something that keeps cropping up in your life.
I had to remember why I started
Everything I do, every spare moment I have is dedicated to getting my head around all the things I was told I ‘should have known by now‘ on previously ‘less supportive’ placements I’ve had, who were unwilling to understand my getting to where I am on half the amount of hours or to accommodate my symptoms whilst learning how to be a nurse.
This is my mentality
Any quiet moment and I’m learning. If the current unit I’m working on can’t teach me about something, I will go elsewhere to other departments in the main hospital and ask someone to teach me. This is where special people come into it, and I realise how lucky I am knowing some of the people I know.
I had to remember who I was
Yes, 80% remain in vegetative states. Yes, 80% never return to employment. But you need to think about these little titbits for them to exist. If you drop the mind and all it’s ‘desires’, then all you’re left with is truth. And the truth is I know I can do this job, regardless of those who have tried to stop me up until now.
Try and get me arrested with lies, try and fail my nursing placement with lies, try and kill me in a minibus etc (there are so many more lols) But it’s ok, I have no anger towards anyone.
I’m moving forward with no anger or hate for the people who have tried to undercut me using foul play. Instead I’m moving forward with forgiveness for those who haven’t helped me and compassion for all those who have.
Most importantly, I’m moving forward with a willingness to achieve what has become hugely improbable for me over the past 6 years. That’s improbable, not impossible.