10:00

I pull up into the road where I can park for free. I heave my bag with my towel out the boot along with my foldable camping chair. Locking the car, I pull my cap down lower. The sun is strong today.

My First Glimpse

My heartbeat quickens as I get my first glimpse of her as I walk down the ramp through the gardens. I feel the familiar tinge of butterflies in my lower belly.

I know I’m about to meet myself

I make my way along the promenade. Finally I spot a gap on the sand that calls out to me. Today she wants me close, a front row seat. Right next to her. 

The Invitation

She invites me over. I don’t argue as I drop my towel onto the sand.

As I unfold my deck chair, put my coffee flask in the cup holder, put a Fresh Mint flavoured nicotine pouch in my lip and get settled, I notice she’s started humming to me already. So gently. So softly. Then I sit back and wait. 

My mind starts immediately. 

Problems arise like a stampede of unworthiness and resentment on steroids.

I’ve arrived today feeling out of sorts, but I can’t fool her. She knows. She knows and she’s already at work. Perhaps thats why the problems of my mind start whirring like a spin dryer even more. They know the gig is up, time for one last ditch attempt.

 I let it happen. I don’t fight it anymore. I realise the problems aren’t for me anyway. My mind is communicating with the ocean. Another part of my mind begins to fight with another part. Another part tries to argue with the problems, tries to find a solution when suddenly…

WAIT. Let ME.

..she whispers, as I watch her gentle waves contort themselves around calves, ankles, belly’s, heads and I sit back as I knowingly put my trust in the process, like I’ve done a thousand times before this.

Waves continue to break on the shoreline.

Unphased by my problems.

Unphased by anything.

Nothing changes with her. She just continues. No change. Regardless. 

Vaguely, I hear distant voices as they reverberate with the different lobes of my brain to try and create meaning and identity..

‘I’ve lost inspiration’

‘I’m wasting life’ 

‘I’m not following my heart’ 

‘I should be as fit as that guy over there’ 

And Still the waves continue to break on he shore.

No change.

Unphased by a mind who hopes for the world to finally stop for it. 

But SHE doesn’t stop for my mind. That’s her magic. She continues like she’s always done. 

She doesn’t engage with my mind. She holds it without judgement and within space. She shows my mind the space beyond the problems. 

And in the space beyond the problems I found myself.

Beyond the space.. I am.

Beyond the noise, in between the noise, inside the noise, above and below, to the sides..  

There is stillness in the waves. In the ocean.

There is silence in her movement.

God, I’m so grateful you know what you’re doing. Sometimes I just need a helping hand..  

Someone’s music starts on a set of speakers. It usually does. It used to really annoy me. 

Now I’ve noticed the ocean holds it. She continues lapping her waves onto the shore.

The silence of the ocean holds the noise of my mind and the sounds of this music, and the secondary and tertiary responses of the mind resisting and judging and complaining about the music. 

Above and beyond even the worst experience or thought.. is the Unchanging Sound of stillness of the ocean.

The ocean is bigger than it all. She has the capacity for it all. The mind recognises this in an instant and goes quiet. All thats left is me, before any ideas of me can form.

 I enter the water. As I plunge, bliss washes over my skin and penetrates something. 

You mustn’t go too far. Check your bag. someone will steal it. Careful for a poisonous jelly fish

But the ocean doesn’t want me this way. She’s a selfish lover, the most selfish. She won’t share me.

She asks me softly but firmly to leave this on the shore. She knows I understand, we have an agreement now. Sometimes I need reminding. She’s ok with that, she understands everything. I needed a lot more reminders when I first started visiting her. 

Ok

I surrender. I give up.

It takes a moment, that’s all.

Take the bag. Take my life. Right now, who am I anyway? I am willing to die for you.

And I fall. I fall without a parachute. I land on the groundless ground. Realising there is no ground, I give in to just falling. 

Without Worries…Without Thoughts…

…there is just ocean. There’s no longer a me. I am the ocean for now. 

If there is no one to listen to thoughts, do they even exist?

I pad back to shore doing my best Daniel Craig impression as I emerge out of the sea.

She smiles at my childlike innocence. 

As always, until one day it doesn’t and I complain to her about it, To which I know she will still listen attentively as though I’m the most important person in the world, my bag remains where I left it. 

I sit In the camp chair. Another Nicotine pouch. Some more water. Dry off in the sun.

The roots of my being spring from beneath my feet and into the sand, solidifying my existence in this body.

A reminder that I am in the right place. That I am in this body, right now, still needed, nowhere to go, just to be.

The waves continue to lap onto the shoreline, unchanged.

I really need to make this happen more. What can I do to be more at peace with myself and life when i forget? I have some ideas..

My mind returns.

He’s welcome, the waves of the mind are now the waves of the sea.

Yet I don’t claim ownership over the waves.

We share these thoughts. Her and I. They are to exist in the space, until they don’t, but they’re not to be claimed. No, they’re not to be claimed. 

The sea continues lapping onto the shore. Still no change. 

The sound of the music, the sound of my mind, the sound of the waves. 

I realise they come from the same place. I’m not the thoughts who want more. I’m not thoughts who say ‘I am angry with music’. Am I the music? Am I the waves? Who can hear all this? 

Me you knob!

…oh look, another thought!

I give this thought claiming to be me an inward kiss.

I’m the stillness of the ocean. The stillness and capacity for all thoughts and sounds. 

Action happens, talking happens, just like the Sounds of the waves. But know one is doing the waves. Knowing is doing the action, or the talking. 

The ocean continues to lap unchanged. Around people’s feet, onto the shore, like she’s done a trillion times before. 

I sweat some more

Then I notice conversations around me. Different opinions, moods, happinesses, frustrations. Kids playing, adults discussing journeys.

We need to change the battery for his wheelchair and get him down. He’ll love it’

‘I’m going to be sick’

‘She is a selfish bugger who talks behind people’s backs..

None of it is new to me. I have capacity for it all. There’s nothing I haven’t seen here in myself already. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

I’m the capacity for all this too

I pack up my things and start to leave without trepidation. No sadness. 

I smile to myself. 

Isn’t it funny how I sometimes use limiting thoughts to explain the vastness of who I am?

Yet for three hours, where time was just the lapping of waves onto a shore, I didn’t put energy into knowing myself through thoughts. And I found myself. But I was never lost. I was the capacity for feeling lost. 

As I finish packing up my equipment and find my sliders, thoughts begin to chatter, not as strong as when i arrived. More like whispers through a keyhole:

‘Oh god, how can I keep this sense of presence during the busy craziness of life?’

And behind me, the ocean is holding this all as she whispers gently,

Don’t worry, I am the space for it all. And so are you, beloved.

Farewell my love. Until next time 🙂