I seem to have spent a lot of time painting this picture of how well I’m dealing with things brain injury wise. I’ve been thinking that I might have been over jollyfying my situation, so that thought alone inspired me to mention this and briefly discuss this word, this ONE of many things that I try my best to deal with on a daily basis –

RUMINATION

What does that mean to you? No seriously, I’m genuinely asking. Please get in touch or leave comments below. The problem with brain injuries is that there symptoms are not exclusive to BI, so everyone thinks you are exaggerating when you mention them as symptoms, rather than truthfully portraying them as the simple personality traits that they are.

I have been ruminating about things from since I first came out of hospital. Things people said, things that annoyed me etc. I have always had a thing for respect, I’m big on respect. But now, if someone is rude to me, or they say something that I don’t think is necessarily acceptable: if I don’t get to have MY SAY , or worse, I feel disrespected then this is what follows;

• Sleepless nights
• Shorter temper with everyday things
• Poor planning
• Increased memory slips
• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Dizziness
• Constantly my head is spinning with “what I should say”, “what I should have said”, “that person would not have said that if…”It’s so unfair, if only I could express myself properly”
• Snapping at small and trivial things
• And even… lack of appetite! No just kidding on that one….. 

I am now able to respond accordingly, that is, in a polite and respectable manner to any confrontations I have. In the early days this was just not possible, but I have come along way since then, with great therapy and a lot of “learning on the job”. I certainly do not expect any of you reading this to have the slightest understanding of where I am coming from, of course, because you have to move on with things when they bother you. But just for a moment, imagine if you couldn’t…

Just imagine the last time someone pissed you off and you couldn’t or didn’t get the chance to respond. Now think of someone taking a stamp, dipping it in ink and then stamping your forehead. That’s it. It can never be removed, it’s there for good. That’s just one aspect of having a frontal lobe injury.

Well my friends, with damage to the frontal Lobe of the brain “moving on” is not as easy as it sounds. And by the way, you are on your own here with this problem, if you haven’t realised that by now with a BI. The reason you are completely on your own is because 90% of the time if you try to voice your concerns with anyone close to you, the person you are trying to reach out to is just unable to understand why it is that you just can’t move on.

You will inevitably end up upsetting them anyway. So something else that I learn from Andy Mcnab (ex SAS soldier turned fictional writer) Is just shut up and get on with the job. That really is all you can do. Live with it.

Along with meditation, too. This simply is a MUST for anyone who has suffered a BI. I’ve been doing it for three years now and I can honestly say it is probably either the number one/two most important aspect of my daily survival routine.

This blog is not emotional. It’s not amazing, shocking, surprising, outstanding or any other type of DING that people enjoy reading about. But it is the reality of brain injury. I’m barely scratching the surface here. I just had to write about it because I have things on my mind that are pissing me off like you wouldn’t believe. There’s a dab of honesty!

Just like when someone dies, the beginning of this blog has attracted a lot of attention. But slowly over time, as I become more truthful and explain more and more of my reality, the numbers will start to decrease.

This is not a problem for me! I’m merely expressing my view of how people cope with their “understanding” of my condition. It’s great at first; “You’re an inspiration. Resilience, passion ….YOU SURVIVED… etc etc” But ultimately people will start to realise that these problems are not like a broken leg; they cannot be fixed quickly. They are long term, and thats just boring. Who the heckles wants to be bothered with his probelem. I’ve heard it all before! Change the record!

Maybe thats why people have such a limited grasp of the logistics of BI: it goes against what humans do in a crisis i.e. it CANNOT BE FIXED! This is where BI become socially unacceptable. So in order for people to try and understand your problems, get their heads round not being able to understand you, allowing themselves to succumb to the “dislike” of your newfound traits, they brand you as someone who just can’t move on, controversial, rude, bad tempered. It’s not a brain injury, thats just an excuse. Or more often it’s “I’m only human, it’s so hard to deal with”

Thats why I always cling to my E-Cig, it’s a distraction technique and I use it to try and take my mind off … well… my mind! Not the best strategy I’ve learned, but certainly one that works for me at the moment.

So if you ever hear me being truthful, a bit too honest, a bit forward.. it’s not because I want to be rude.. far from it! I have always hated the idea of hurting peoples feelings. It’s because it I didn’t say it, whatever it was….

I WOULD BE STAMPED!