If a stranger were to ask about the type of person I am I am pretty sure they would get different answers from different people in my life. It’s strange, my injury appears to have given me a split personality, in a non schizophrenic type way. At least I bloody hope not.
If you were to ask my classmates at uni, I’m pretty sure they would say I’m the annoying but jokey clown of the group, doesn’t take much seriously and is a serious wind up merchant…
And by jove they would be right
If you asked Dani and my family, they would say that too. But they also know that I have a horrific side to me. A monstrous side to me other people would scarcely guess I was capable of.
Dr Jekyll and Mr Mikey!
He kind of looks like me too. Very apt.
When I see injustices, such as someone being bullied or harassed for example, I lose it. To the point where I don’t even remember much of the event afterwards. If I am confronted, or if anyone tries to oppose me, belittle or intimidate me (this hasn’t happened in a while) – the same thing happens. It’s not a choice, it’s a damaged Amygdala in my frontal lobe.
If you asked people in my health visiting placement about the type of dude I am, they would say I am a calm and hard working nurse, not necessarily a wind up merchant and easy to get along with. A good sense of humour but knows when to stop… (yes they really would!)
If you asked the girls at the hospice, I’m sure they would say that I am sweet and friendly, not a bad bone in my body.
If you asked the man that I suspected of drink driving (with a baby on board sticker in his car) last year he would tell you I should be in prison, that I am an unhinged maniac. Fair one.
So which one is it?
..well blowed if I know
I thought I found myself, the new Mikey, when I attended Oliver Zangwill, in Cambridge, last year. But there is still so much more to learn about the new Mikey before I could really understand myself and really know who I am, I was just scratching the surface there
Can someone with a past like mine be a children’s nurse?
The next chapter
Living in the here and now, looking at the challenges I face today: that is what’s important. My next nursing placement will be on an acute ward at Winchester hospital. The shift patterns will be my biggest challenge, and I am considering staying in Winchester until I finish. It’s a three months placement, so it will come to an end, it won’t be forever. I’ll miss Reese and Dani like mad.
Unfortunately reaching my goals will require a whole lot more dedication than what is considered typical of a student nurse. Staying away form my family to get the job done for a few months is something I am prepared to do. I do not want to simply “be a nurse” – I want to be more. I have always had bigger plans and had my eyes set on a particular set of goals that probably seem whacky to most.
From day one I have believed, this isn’t something new. those of you closest to me will understand what I mean.
I do what I do to get through the day and fit in, if only for a short time. It’s selfish and one dimensional: and the more people I’m surrounded by the lonelier I feel. The more I am reminded of how different I am and how nobody will ever know, is something every survivor needs to deal with, It is hard to explain. Friendships don’t last and it gets very lonely.
After my injury, I realised one thing: if I ever wanted to be a nurse and achieve what I wanted to do in life I needed to make a decision and ask myself a question:
How far am I willing to go?
And my answer is: fuck it, all the way. I will stop at nothing to achieve it, I’ll gladly go through hell and back (I’ve done this twice in my life already, so a third time will be manageable. I might even get a cup of tea when I pass through this time) to get the job done. I’ll suffer how people feel about me, their opinions and ideas etc. It might not be how I want to be, but it is what it is.
My inspiration and idol in life (one of many) is Maino. He is a Brooklyn rapper who turned his life round and made it in the music industry, despite spending ten years on prison and being released when he was 26. When he asked other rappers about how he could make a success of himself in the music industry, they said:
You need to make people believe you. Forget where you’ve been and where you’re going, you need to fool them into thinking you can rap.
Although I am in an entirely different position, I believe the principal is the same. I have trouble forming sentences and stumbling over simple memory blocks on a daily basis, so I fool people into thinking I don’t. I struggle with my fatigue so much but act differently, I block it out. I’m the last person you would think suffering in this way, because thats what I want you to think.
My own way of doing this is being jovial and enjoying life wherever I am, be it at uni or the gym, the shops or out to dinner at a nice restaurant. It reminds me that you can never take things on face value with people, you just don’t what where people have been or whats going on in their mind or life. Life throws so much at you so you should just put your finger up and smile all the way through it, what else can you do?
Will you stare at the ground everywhere you go or have a drink? Post a Facebook comment saying how hard life is and you’re not sure what to do? Bollocks mate. I’ll stick my chest out ad make jokes. I have a lot of respect for myself, and I don’t care if others don’t like me, but I do care that they respect me. I give out what I would like in return, and if it’s not given I’ll demand it. Or go all Mr Hyde on those mofos until I get it!
Well this blog has been more of a ponder with nothing too substantial: just a bit of rambling and a touch of ranting. However, the one thing that is substantial is the fact that if and when I complete this next placement, I know my dreams can be achieved. I believe I will, so I will.
I should be in a wheelchair
..well actually I shouldn’t be alive. I think about that when I passing my exams and working as a nurse again. It really is a miracle and I am so grateful every day for my life and the way I have been so fortunate. I get up and say thank you every day, and I will carry on doing that…
…..Right up until the day I graduate and beyond, way beyond. If I was asked to give my thoughts to the creator of life and everything else in the world, it would be this:
Keep watching, because I’m carrying on where I left off.