Accountability

We all have our funny moments. Moments when; in hindsight, we wondered what on earth we were thinking of at the time.

I had a few of these moments recently following on from my last two blog posts. I had to grip myself afterwards. 

If I only ever wrote about ‘inspirational’ and ‘happy’ moments in my life and denied what I was really feeling, then they wouldn’t be very honest accounts of my life now would they?

I think that I occasionally take my eye off the ball and might make myself out to be some sort of victim on those pathetic rants I go on, even though I don’t mean to.

Maybe I’m just scared of being portrayed like that because  to me there is nothing worse than being the ‘patient’ or ‘victim’ – I’ve always hated it.

Every decision I’ve made is my own. Nothing happens by luck or by chance. Not even the accident.

Think about it. I chose to go to Mexico. I chose to swim with Dolphins, fate or bad luck had nothing to do with it. Just like all of my decisions, they were mine, not gods (TBT elephant man or bearded) or anyone else’s.

I won’t lie, the prospect of getting kicked off my university course is a terrifying one. But I also know that with the above understanding of accountability there never has to be an ending. Qualifying as a nurse is in MY hands, not the panels’.

 

accountability44

 

It’s not in fate’s hands. Not in God’s hands, it’s not destiny. It will be my attitude when faced with the outcome that will determine my future.

My first ever blog post finished with the sentence ‘Strap in, it’s going to a heck of a journey’, so I knew I might have a turbulent time ahead. I knew that I may find myself in similar positions to the ones I find myself in today.

It’s hard to explain, but I have something to live for. I’m doing stuff. I’m fighting for my nursing, on the 25th a panel will want to speak to me, It’s my moment to demonstrate everything I’ve fought for to get where I am today. I was never meant to get this far!

Everything you’re going through is preparing you for what you asked for.

I asked for this.  I know I have what it takes to do it, otherwise I never would have started.

People email me. People ask how I am feeling.   I am being faced with challenges that force me to learn a lot about myself. My daughter laughs when I make a joke.  All of these things are proof that I am alive and living a life that has some sort of meaning. Especially the bit about my jokes. Its a shame no other sod laughs at them.

It might be challenging; it might hurt sometimes, it might be difficult but I am alive right this second. Although it’s not always fun, there is meaning to my existence.

When I wrote the words ‘strap in its gonna be a ride’ in my first blog I remember feeling my heart skip a beat with excitement.

At that point I knew what it was like to feel meaningless and have no point to your life, just recovering and needing to lie down 3 times a day, in between being  sat in front of the TV watching loose women. I reached an all time low there.  With loose women, I mean.

 

Everyone has their hardships to deal with, many more a lot worse than mine. Everyone gets tested at some point in their life in many different ways.

I reckon I don’t always need to extrapolate any hidden messages behind what’s happening to me during these challenging times. I think I just need to dig a bit deeper when the occasion calls for it.

I believe it doesn’t matter why certain things happen to us, I think they just happen.  The simple truth is that we all know Life is  a big challenge;  we just don’t always know why. But it turns out I love a challenge. And I’ll be taking accountability for what I’m about to do.

 

problems.jpg

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s