Is it worth the fight?

‘Do you like my nails?’ the little girl proudly asked.

‘They’re very pretty nails! I Like them a lot, my daughter would like them too’ I’d said excitedly.

“I want to do some threading. Can you do some threading with me?’ The little girl had asked.

‘Of course. But only if you paint my nails like yours!’

** A fit of laughter that sounded more like an evil cackle**

“I don’t know about much about much but I do know you’ve got the best laugh I’ve ever heard’ I told her, and I meant it. She sounded like an evil Bond villain plotting murder or something.

This scene occurred while I was attending the local children’s hospice I regularly volunteer at. She was a lovely girl, made my stoney heart melt she did. Something happened while I was speaking to this girl that was so profound for me it felt like another life altering moment. I’ve only had a few of these moments in my life, which were as follows –

2007.

He put his foot to my neck and told me that if he ever saw me in Croydon again, he would kill me.

‘Right O mate’ I’d said. His mate had booted me in the jaw for that.

‘He’s had enough. Wait 10 minutes and then leave’ he told me. Bit Dramatic I’d remembered thinking.

So I left, after gathering what was left of my belongings off the floor of the dark, wet alleyway.

Boom. I knew I then that  had to make something of myself and get out this shitty existence. So I did.

Summer 2008

‘I’ve just been sacked. My mum told me to come and talk to you before I come home’ I’d said.

‘Ok, what is it you want to do?’ the careers advice lady at the job centre had said.

“I want to make a difference. I’m not interested in money. I want to help people.’

‘Have you thought about some sort of caring job, maybe as a healthcare assistant?’

Switch. A switch was pressed in my head telling me I needed to do that. So I did.

December 2008

‘Do you mind passing me that urine bottle, I can’t reach’ a patient had asked me during my first day as a healthcare assistant.

Switch. I decided I needed to become a qualified nurse and do this for the rest of my life.

Sometime in 2010  

I visited a friend of Dani’s who has a child with cerebral palsy. His movement is restricted and his breathing is compromised. I did something (can’t remember what) and it made him laugh, and I’ll never forget the eye contact and the smile he gave me.

Switch. I knew that I wanted to work with children. So I did.

Summer of 2015

‘This is where the lady at Julia’s house keeps her toys. Her job is to go in and play with the  children when they’re in their last few stages of life’ the floor manager of the charity shop had explained to me.

Switch. That is what I am doing for a job. No matter what.

Present Day

I keep harping on about it, but the lady who attacked me felt like she wanted to ruin my life so she decided to tell my university I am aggressive when I don’t take valium and I am a threat to children etc.

Which the university believed. Smashing.

This woman is not happy that I did not simply let her attack me. I pushed her away from me on the night and that is the reason for her malice. Had I of pressed charges she would have lost her daughter.

That is the reasoning for them trying to be seen as the victims. I hope no one from social services is reading this (as unbeknownst to me, they are known by social services) or I don’t wake up one day and decide to want to tell them.

Is it really worth all this? All the stress and devastation, the impact its having on me and my family?

 

 

Today something happened to me. These ‘light bulb’ moments I mentioned earlier are things that have altered my path each time and led me to where I am today.

I would sooner die trying than live one day ignoring them. 

Around 2pm on Friday 19th February 

‘I made you this bracelet’ the little girl told me, handing me the string with beads that she had made.

‘Smashing! It looks better than the one I made you’ I said, handing her my poor attempt at the same. ‘Good grief’ I said pretending to fall off my chair.

Another fit of laughter.

‘I like you. You make me laugh.’She giggled.

Switch. She made me realise there’s something in my life other than Reese thats worth living and fighting for. She reminded me why I need to stay strong. She reminded me why I need to get out of my bed every single day and fight until I collapse.

She made me realise that I can only stop fighting  when I’m dead, I wont and can’t ever stop until then.  Simple.  Even if it means re enrolling at uni at the age of 70 then I will.

Because in that brief moment of laughter; if only for a few seconds, regardless of shitty life, she forgot. 

 

Patch.jpg

 

 

 

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