He’ll get to spend more time with Reese than me, that hurts.

Associating feelings that you promised were not there yet, that hurts.

Knowing that I was never good enough, that hurts.

Time after time people kept leaving my life, that hurts.

Floating through life in an unsociable and painful bubble, that hurts.

Feeling more alone than anyone could ever understand or imagine, that hurts.

Your words reaching people’s hearts but falling on deaf ears, that hurts.

Losing so much you were able to give to others before, that hurts.

Leaving destruction and disappointment in your path to those that you love, that hurts.

Feeling nothing for anything and experiencing true emotionless, that hurts.

Being severely misunderstood and represented erroneously, that hurts.

Wanting to be connected and experience meaning but being unable to, that hurts.

Acting in ways you don’t mean or ever want to, that hurts.

 

 

I’ve been stabbed in the back too many times to mention,

By those who I loved and those I really did not,

There’s no point in placing any blame trying to figure it out,

Brain injury is everything awful tied up in a knot.

 

I often sail along pretending I don’t have one,

Fighting to beat the odds and win,

Which I can keep up for a while but in the end,

Insincerity with yourself just turns you to the gin!

 

Was any of it ever real, or was it just the novelty that brought attraction to everyone?

A change of personality invisible to others there certainly is no one to blame,

But when all is said and done if I can achieve what I wanted to,

For the right reasons will anyone ever remember my name?

 

Regardless of what I’m trying to do, there is nothing that can bring peace to me,

Will justice be achieved for my troubles if I am awarded ‘compensation’ or a vast sum?

It may seem so for others but will my brain not be the same,

I will still have haemorrhages and haematomas so would justice really have been done?

 

It makes no difference if I drive a Bentley or a Corsa my brain will still be the same,

Invisible to others for the rest of my life,

But one thing I do have is a name.

 

A name for the man who brought my life crashing down,

We use words like ‘accident’ but perhaps he really knew,

This happened because of all the ugliness in the world,

The ‘accident’ was one in a long line that were not false but true.

 

I’m so tired of how ugly people are to each other,

I feel drained like I carry it around with me everyday,

Perhaps too much introspection for someone who’s never fit in,

Moving forward all I can do is to hope and pray.

 

Besides my parents there is no one who comes close to wanting to understand me,

Misunderstood and pushed away for years all I’ve wanted to do is sprout wings and away I would fly,

Because even though I put on a false front to you all,

The only true feeling I have is that I’ve been left out to dry.

 

My tattoos cover up the pain that my scars hold,

Is it too much to ask to be happy and free?

Obstacles keep appearing in front of me just as I pick up momentum,

I’m just trying to be what I once felt destined to be.

 

It won’t last long after all I’m a realist I’m not that stupid,

I know in my heart I can do it I could put my life on it and I could swear,

That nothing can stop me it’s all I have left,

Even if I know that it was never really there.

 

I have a dream where I’m watching the pain slowly fill up a once beautiful stream,

It hasn’t stopped filling for years,

Just like the nightmares that fill my dreams.

 

I thought isolation was a blessing at first, but it’s actually a terrible curse,

You slowly begin to lose yourself in a torrent of misrepresentation and grief,

They may have once loved you or think they still do,

But whilst hidden from view you know in their hearts they are experiencing some relief.

 

So now there are others more worthy and it’s time for me to pass over the baton,

This is a race that I’ve lagged too far behind to ever be won,

I’ve already lost – money or no money,

It’s true that now everything I ever wanted is fully gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “

  1. It’s a rollercoaster ride you once said, and I believe it is. Hold tight Mikester, you’re a strong guy, but no one can do it on their own, so choosing solitude as a sollution wasn’t the right choice obviously. It’s not all black and white, there is a midway in being alone or with company ALL the time. Sometimes it’s nice to be on your own and other times you want to be with family or a friend. Between black and white are lots of colours.

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    1. Maybe there are more colours. But when your wife starts seeing someone she has strong feelings for who you’ve known for 6 years I generally don’t want to see any other colour.Just reminds you that you were never good enough. But I understand what you’re saying.

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      1. That I didn’t know, very sorry to hear this. That’s hard and you have every reason to be on the downside for now. Big virtual hug from me. For what it’s worth, I am sending you positivity, and we know it helped before.

        Like

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