As a firm atheist, taking Reese to Sunday school for the first time last week was definitely out of my comfort zone. And when a brain injured atheist walks into church in the name of simply pretending to be religious in order to get your child into a top school, trouble is bound to happen.
Don’t worry, nothing happened. I behaved, well for the most part. Until we had to sit ‘on mass’ or whatever they call it. I struggle there like I do at uni when I have to sit still. I only blasphemed 3 times.
Behave is such a subjective and boring term.
Instead of singing the hymns I encouraged Reese to join in with my choir version of ‘Let it go’, followed by a well rehearsed (in the shower) edition of ‘do you want to build a snowman?’.
Then some bloke with a beard and long hair came out of nowhere with a big stick. I remarked that he looked like gandalf the wizard and was xpecting him to whack the big stick to the floor any minute crying out ‘THALL SHALL NOT PASS’. I shared my thoughts with my mum, she wasn’t as impressed.
All of a sudden, everyone started standing up and walking to the front, their heads bowed in solemn prayer or something. The lady in front turned round to me and said: ‘would you like to take Reese for communion?’
Puzzled, I asked, ‘what’s that then?’
Long story short, basically you go up to the priest at the front of the church, kneel down and they give you a bit of bread and a sip of wine. Yeah a sip of wine. No, not a mouthful. God who created the universe can’t even spare a whole glass of wine. Just a sip.
God. You’re tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm.
As I went to reply to the lady with ‘Nah, if I have one drink I always want more’ jokingly, I noticed something astounding. I believed there and then that miracles really can happen. It was an outer body experience.
So I told Reese to look at this miracle before us that was in the shape of the priest leading the ‘disciples’ down the front of the church. He seriously had the roundest head I’d ever seen, which unluckily for him was also bald. It looked like an egg with sideburns. We laughed a bit more at him.
Remembering the question I had been asked by the lady in front about taking communion, I turned to Reese and asked
‘Fancy that?’ she didn’t say no which means yes, she gets shy in public.
So I took one for the team, I held her hand and we rocked up to the place you get the aforementioned bread and wine, knelt down and put our hands out.
Now, reflecting on what I did next, I can see that it probably wasn’t good church etiquette. But I don’t believe in god, so like most things in my life, I wasn’t taking it seriously.
The priest offered me the world’s smallest bit of bread, then offered me a glass (sip) of red wine. So without thinking I just dipped the bread in the wine and stuck it in my gob. In between mouthfuls I remember saying ‘nice that’ or words to that effect. When you’re hungry anything tastes nice, I hadn’t had breakfast you see. Reese didn’t want hers, so I did the same with her bit of bread.
‘Waste not want not Reese!’ I laughed at my own joke, looking up at the priest.
He looked as though Jesus had just appeared in front of him wearing a mankini thong suit with his hair tied up in a bun dancing to ‘Gangnam style’. He wasn’t impressed.
There are nearly 3000 gods people all over the world pray to, each believing that their god is the right one.
God got Mary up the duff without her consent. You can go to prison for that.
Let there be light!
‘What about nighttime?’
Oops my bad..