I’ve been putting off writing about this topic for a good few years now. While I was scrolling through my blog stats earlier today, I noticed that I’ve reached nearly 4000 views from 66 posts. And it got me to thinking..
What do people look for in this blog? What keeps them interested?
The answer to this is a solid ‘fuck knows’, so I will just continue to be myself and be honest about the issues I talk about.
When I was young I wanted to meet the right person and settle down, raise a family and enjoy spending my time with and loving them 100%. Thats why I got married so young.
The girls I have met and got to know have all said pretty similar things once I’ve told them I am unable to commit to a relationship..
‘But I don’t understand. Why not?’
‘Maybe you’re scared’
‘But whats stopping you from at least trying?’
When girls have stayed the night, in all honesty, I’ve missed not sleeping next to Francis and monkey. I like being on my own and enjoy the quiet, those two don’t talk much.
I do not often allow my thoughts to willingly stray from the present moment. However, from time to time I will indulge myself in the notion of romantic love, that special someone who you’d do anything for, who loves you for who you are. Not what they want you to be, or what you were.
I enjoy watching romantic films or listening to soppy songs and pretending it is an actuality whilst I’m listening/watching. I fantasise, all the while knowing it’s nothing more than an illusion.
Did I find love with my ex wife?
I thought I did and still do, but when it is not reciprocated in the same way you once thought it did, it holds no meaning anymore. Even if it did, watching the acts prevalent in someone who loves/loved you that are unfavourable is probably even worse that if they didn’t ever really love you for who you are to begin with.
On my spiritual road to enlightenment I am seeing that what I once perceived as love was was in fact incorrect. Love has to come from deep inside you.
I keep people at a distance.
I tell them when I meet them I am not in a position to commit, take it or leave it, I do not and could not lie to anyone, I’m not into that. If someone begins to get ‘too close’ – I stop it there and then.
You must know if you decide to carry on seeing me with this understanding, that one day I might have to suddenly stop seeing you. I might not be able to give you a reason as to why, and If you cannot accept this then you’re free to walk away now, no hard feelings. Honestly.
And I have and continue to do this. Is it fulfilling? No. But I do believe you can take something away from each encounter you have in life and this can enable you to grow as a result. But only IF you are able to look for the seed in each encounter or ‘relationship’.
‘Aimer et être aime’ – To love and be loved
Loving is a magical phenomenon. But for me, I can only take it so far, for now at least. With a brain injury any one person needs to accept a few additional factors if they are interested in being in my life, in whichever capacity that may be.