As I walked into the shop, the floor instantly started to move. I became hot so suddenly it was like being struck by lightening and then you’re burning from the inside out. The acoustics in the shop and the noise coming from the teddy stuffing machine was piercing my brain  and it felt like razor blades were being run across the surface of it.

Today is Reese’s birthday. I’m with her for about 5 hours and I’ve been looking forward to this, grip yourself.

I held on to and leant against anything I could. I felt so close to fainting, I made sure Reese was out of the way just in case I did.

Luckily, I didn’t and we paid for the (£50!!!) customised teddy bear and left.

I hardly see my daughter and I didn’t want to wait outside and miss out. I get to see her for 2 hours on christmas day, 5 hours on christmas eve. I literally feel like my heart is splitting in two.

When we got home, I laid down on the sofa. Reese picked up her new blanket she got today from her auntie Lil and put it over me, placing her new teddy I’d just bought her next to me. A 4 year old gives me more understanding than most adults!

Fancy writing a blog? 

• Lawyers of a national company which can’t be named for legal reasons, are reading this blog. It’s important to realise that anything I write can be used against me in court.
• Being a nurse in the NHS means you have to be superhuman and show no feelings or signs of weakness. We must be silent and keep to ourselves.
• People that have betrayed me over the years also read this blog looking for a scapegoat in my words to try and screw me over for good, after having failed the last time they’ve tried.

But how can you help others in a similar hell to yourself if you’re not honest and your true feelings and experiences are masked through fear?

I will never be understood by anyone, I accepted this a long time ago. It’s funny actually, because when people first meet me they absolutely love me. You know, real salt of the earth buffoonery stuff.

Shortly after, these same people who have told me how much they care about me, have had a sudden change of heart when they realise that living with a brain injury isn’t quite as glamorous as they first thought.

People always disappear.

I guess exhaustion, solitude,frustration, a shit memory, mood changes, needing quiet moments and a thousand other things I live with everyday isn’t as glamorous to people as they first thought it might be.

My one piece of advice to you if you’re reading this as a newbie: keep your distance from me, keep it casual. Anything more never works.

Why am I doing this?

 

I want to show people that you can work as a nurse with a hidden disability and still be in a position where you’re not too scared to speak up about it.

And the lawyers? Well, your millions of pointless pounds might mean something to you, but I’m brain injured whether I have millions in my bank or nothing. And putting a smile on children’s faces by using a hidden magician’s squeaker is priceless to me, so I’m already rich.

 

Life is too short. I’ll never understand why so many people out there are full of ugliness.

I’ve laughed my way through the last five years and I’ll carry on doing it, whatever happens. Because this rollercoaster shows no signs of slowing down. And I’m showing no signs of wanting to get off yet.