You may have noticed I’ve been quiet on the blog front lately. I’ve been snowed under with our final year project (7000 words) and I, like many others, am struggling with it! At least I’m not the only one though. Everyone is finding it tough.

Having said that, everyone has similar problems. Except I can’t talk to anyone about MY problems, they’re completely different. Not worse, just different.

I wrote the same fact three times in my essay yesterday. I forgot I’d already written it, and went through the trouble of finding a new reference each time. Three times. What a numpty.

It’s business now, nothing more

I’ve worked hard to change many of my approaches to the challenges in my life. For example: recently I was able to sit down with my soon to be ex wife and sit on all the information I know (that she doesn’t know that I know) and remain smiling and being professional for the sake of my daughter.

What do you know?

I’m too tired for anything. It is lonely and unfulfilling, but I can barely keep up with this course let alone have friends or anything. Plus I’m super paranoid. Here’s one for you, you’ll like this. I’m smiling as I write it!

So yeah yeah blah blah you’re a bit isolated, get over yourself 

Fair one

Mind you, if I do ever let a lady friend get close enough to me that I can feel like she can stay the night, I’ll need to make sure the blue pills are in stock. Let me tell you, that got me down for a long time! You see, when you have a severe head injury, sometimes you’re too tired even for things you really don’t want to be too tired for. Like rocking the casbah.

That’s not very Christian Grey

And women take that shit so personally. I mean really, how do you think us brain injureds feel? I was destroyed as it happened more and more, but if it happens now I tend not to waste much time on it. Decent people will try to understand anyway. Yet to meet any yet though, stay posted.

It’s a bit taboo and people with head injuries don’t really tend to talk about it much. Granted, it’s not the best thing to have to worry about for a 27 year old, but at least I didn’t lose it in the accident. But don’t worry, even I know I’d be stupid to advertise this floppy fact to the world.

Forget the blue pills, It takes a certain type of idiot to refuse a girl to stay overnight at their flat because they’re so wary and paranoid of people. Another TBI daisy.

I started my nursing journey 6 years ago. But for the second time I am reading excited status updates like ‘I just landed my dream job in A+E so excited!’.. they’re everywhere!

It’s a bit soul destroying

But I feel genuine happiness for my friends. In fact I really am over the moon and It’s amazing to have watched their journey over the last few years. They’re truly lovely people and they deserve it. It’s just hard to take, especially for the second time round. But I’ll get over that.

Oops

If i’m lucky I will graduate in July 2018, 7 months after my peers. Over a year away. Again, I’m not moaning.  I am blessed and so fortunate to be in my position and I count myself to be a very lucky and grateful person.

I can deal with all that. I just need to write sometimes.

There were so many times that I really doubted if I could do it, times where I found myself needing to leave work to come home 2-3 times a week. But just like back then, I made a plan. I switched things up. So thats what I’ll do now. And I’ll do it knowing what I’ve known all along.

I’m happy to be the clown, the numpty, the tired one who has weird issues that you laugh or about or feel too embarrassed to talk about.

I’m content with any opinion of me, I quite like when people dislike me or my ‘methods’. But yes, I am a clown that squeaks when I walk. I purposely fall over in public to make people laugh, I enjoy it that.

I also have a curse. I have issues in my life that will never be understood. Not by anyone. no one so far has even come remotely close (apart from at first when it’s all like ‘OMG you’re an inspiration babe!’) But it’s all great. The truth can only be known, not spoken. If you start to speak it, it automatically becomes a lie (Osho 1980).