Courage is a love affair with the unknown

There I am, the four eyed fatty stood next to the editor of the nursing times.

IMG_1555

After the event, I told my then wife that what happened on that day devastated me so much I would never get over it. And it did, it changed me as a person completely. I went on a very dubious downward spiral after this day, which was around the 6th May 2013, just over a year I was placed on a ventilator. And a few months after my daughter was as a newborn.

I’ve spoken about the horrors that come with dying, or ‘near-dying’ in my case. Being resuscitated and intubated and remembering the whole thing, the hell of my coma dreams, the pain and suffering of a 17 hour air-ambulance trip with my arms strapped down and only foreigners around me haunts me. None of that compared to that day up in London though.

I now believe, through being a very meditative and spiritual person, that facing one’s fears or phobias, no matter how frightening they appear, is the way forward

This is true in the case of my wife, who found another man only months after we separated. So what did I do? I switched it up and found compassion to get through it. Same with the lot that tried to get me arrested. And if I receive adequate compensation from my court case, I will visit the place the accident happened (I can’t mention the name for legal reasons). Same hotel, same everything. It’s something I have to do.

On the day of the event in London, I remember saying, through a ridiculous marathon of a crying session which lasted all night:

The only chance that I can ever get over this will be if I can do it again

Just to remind you before I make my next point, that some of the most challenging obstacles you can put in front of someone with a brain injury are;

  • Busy and crowded environments
  • Noisy places
  • Anything that involves planning or organising.
  • Unfamiliarity

And these are the challenges I face, and used to avoid, every day of my life. However, it’s for these reasons, and the reasons stated above about facing your fears head on, that I have decided to represent my university, the third best nursing university in the country, at a national event in Westminster Abbey next month on my larry.

I’ll travel to London on my own. It will be the first time I have even been on public transport in 6 years. Thanks PTSD 🙂

At first I declined the offer, owing to the fact that it would be too tiring for me to travel up there, see the whole day through and travel back in the same day. After the decline,  the dean of my university raised funds in order for me to stay overnight in London as she was keen for me to represent them at the event, which is a pretty big deal by all accounts.

I don’t talk about my business. I don’t care what people think of me. I’m writing this for you head injury sufferers.

I truly believe I have found something, the key to what so many neurologists and surgeons around the country cannot find. It’s the closest thing to a ‘cure’ you’re going to get. Whatever you’re ‘major’ or ‘leading’ symptom(s) is/are.. face it to the extreme. it’s terrifying and no one will understand your fear, but put yourself through hell, then see what happens.

Oh, you’re not as bad as me. I had a worse injury

I don’t blame you for thinking this. But please remember:

I had a GCS of 5 at one point.

The hell of post traumatic amnesia lasted 3-4 weeks, the ‘severe’ end of the spectrum.

I have damage to many cranial nerves and the effects of sepsis have made a lasting impression on my liver.

PTSD

DAI

..Post-concussional syndrome, the lot. 

If I saw Jayne Cummings and went up to her and squeaked her arm, her reaction to me, and probably you, would be unknown.

osho courage

Ultimately, I have an opportunity. Everything that is almost impossible for me rolled up into one. I can easily say no. But, like becoming a nurse, I’ll die before I say no.

 

 

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One thought on “Courage is a love affair with the unknown

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