This is a bit of  along blog this week. I have a lot on my mind and I’m just working through it all by writing, so if you still want to read then do so at your own behest.

Pain and Heartbreak

The pain I feel from my symptoms is nothing like what I feel inside, I cannot be physically hurt, in fact, I quite enjoy physical pain, it take my mind off what really hurts. Thats a scary prospect.

It does hurt to know she is already in a relationship with someone else, after everything we’ve been through together, how much we loved each other (well, before I was different on her part) after less than a year. Although I suppose I can’t really blame her.

After everything I’ve been through this  hurts the most. I love(d) her more than anything from the very start, it took me well over a year to even get her to be my gf! I guess although we separated I always kept a hope to myself privately that perhaps ONE day things might be different. I ne thatver told her this as I didn’t want to sound like I was stringing her along, but there was never any certainty that it would have anyway. She would always say it would, but being black and white, I told her otherwise.

 

He is everything I used to be, that’s just plain bad luck for me. It’s like an almighty kick to in my balls, every attempt that was made at trying to mould me into something I wasn’t was in the hope that I’d be like the old Mikey, or this new chap.

 

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice bloke. She’ll get more from him than me, truly. And I am glad that I can’t upset or disappoint her anymore, that wasn’t a good feeling. When you love someone so much, every time you manage to hurt them it feels like a piece of you dies inside. She did love me once, just not for a while. That should be evidence that a brain injury could drive your loved one into another relationship within a year.

 

I am truly pleased that she’ll be happy, it’s just hard to express that right now. This was going to happen eventually anyway, I always knew it would hurt, Maybe it’s a dose of karma. Fair one. I deserve it, there I said it.

 

It’s even more horrible to hear that the only person you thought loved you ‘cannot have time for the brain injury anymore’, that is a killer. I always knew after she said that that one day I’d have to leave. Didn’t stop me form trying though.

 

The front I put on isn’t real. That’s because I believe no one could really handle the brain injury, the real me.

 

Solitude

I’ve felt lonely for a long while now. Part of this has been my own fault and in my hesitation to mix with other people, especially in big groups. It takes so much energy out of me, it’s so tiring and draining. When you’re alone you can’t hurt people, or become hurt yourself. Now I am paying the price for being so weak.

 

When all is said and done, her family and friends have all completely disowned me, with some of them even turning against me. People that; to my face, once pretended to be my friends. Fair one again, I don’t blame you. But there are two sides to every story.

 

What if?

Maybe I didn’t save her by throwing myself over her. Maybe I would have still got this injury if I’d have adopted the brace position, something I always said Id do in a situation like that.

 

No one asked for this, not Dani, my family, not Reese, but least of all me. My life is  ruined because of my condition. I tried to leave my marriage a year and a half ago for her sake, not mine, but I stayed because I loved her so much and wanted the best for Reese.

Maybe you’ll go running to her again after reading this, stirring up the pot and trying to generate as much BS as you can to dump on me. I couldn’t care less about what any of you decide, remember,  I don’t care what others think of me.

However being black and white it is important for me that the truth is known, not embellished facts used just to spurn people. You can unsubscribe from this blog now if there are any of you left still reading it, I won’t take it personally.

 

Amidst the pain a decision must still be made

Once again I’m at a crossroads. So much emotion makes it hard to decide which path to take. I’ve tried to do what’s best, but I’ve made mistakes along the way. I’ll live with this forever now.

 

Nursing with a brain injury

After days of feeling truly awful, stressed, devastated, disowned and guilty about this and everything I’ve lost, It hit me particularly hard one day at work last week. I became dizzy, hot, nauseous, extreme pounding in my head that felt worse than a migraine and I knew then I had to make a decision.

 

Do I go home? I can’t work like this surely. I’m emotionally distraught and exhausted.

 

But if I go, then everything HAS been taken and ruined. Everything has been lost, they have won. The bus driver, the mafioso, the two faced dickheads that tried to flog my parents a dodgy flight home in an air ambulance, the bus company, the travel agent (who I can’t name yet. YET.) will have won. Thats what it would feel like. 

 

Dyhdrocodeine, paracetamol and aspirin (which speeds up the effects of D-codiene) with a can of red bull. 4 portions of cottage pie to increase glucose stores, 2 pints of water to get the nutrients to my organs.

Sitting in the toilet; clutching my medication and can of red bull, while I tried to get my head straight, I decided nothing can stop me. I would rather DIE than fail at it now. I would rather not be here living this existence and putting up with all this pain and misery knowing that I have failed too become a nurse. It’s all I have left to try and accomplish. I’ve failed at everything else. Just count my friends and see for yourself.

I finished my shift and performed better than most days I’ve worked. Because I said I would finish this course at any cost, I decided I will do whatever it takes. I will put myself through anything. Even if it meant coming close to death, I will do it.

You have to be a bit loopy to put yourself through this, putting your body through it all when it’s screaming at you to stop. Thats when I realised I AM insane when it comes to chasing this and god help any of you who stand in my way.

I’ve lost everything now anyway. Even Reese will one day have a new and improved daddy who isn’t ill, who people don’t talk about being his back. Who doesn’t make mummy cry.

 

 

 

Never trust a man who has nothing to lose.