I’ve been taking some time out from my usual fortnightly blogging to focus on treading the good old path to enlightenment. My good friend, Osho, has been helping me along with this new endeavour.
But I’ve had the urge to write for a while, and tonight was the last straw really. So I grabbed my pen (laptop), my notebook (laptop) and am now sitting here hastily writing down my thoughts (typing on laptop).
An hour ago, while Reese was waiting to be collected by her mum, she asked me this:
‘Why is it you don’t live with me anymore? You used to when I was a baby. Is it because I’m not sick like the other children you have to look after?’
Good Jesus Reese I thought I had a few more years to wait before you dropped that atomic bombshell on me. The best I could come up with was ..
‘Well you know Daddy hit his head right? That means he needs to be here so he can have lot of rest’.
A couple of weeks back…
‘Mikey you won’t struggle with this presentation at uni. You’re great at talking in big groups!’
So I had a dummy run today with my parents as an audience to my asthma presentation. I spluttered out the words awkwardly while my brain skipped past vital information (Impulsivity deficit, front and parietal lobes) my lisp started straight away which made it difficult to get my words out.
My tongue has to work twice as hard nowadays (Damage to 4th cranial nerve. Glossopharyngeal (tongue) and a few others also affected in the crash) and when my brain is working so hard to read out information while trying not to kill my parents with the old ‘death by powerpoint’ tactic it seems to require more energy.
Short term memory and word finding can also be a major pain in the cranium too.
For some reason I go pale with the dizziness that arrives shortly after. I look like a blood donor that couldn’t say no. Hopefully this won’t happen on the day.
Organising and planning is major problem for someone who has haemorrhaged to the frontal and parietal lobes. Not really sure how I’ve made it this far really.
Back to 45 minutes ago…
‘When can I have a sleepover at Daddy’s? When I do can I sleep next to you?’
Unfortunately I haven’t had the chance to have Reese overnight because of my night terrors that resulted from the knock to the noggin. I would love nothing more than to wake up with her and make her breakfast while watching My little Pony on my TV. Sometimes I actually fantasise about it.
I take enough medicine to tranquillise a fat nurse running towards the toilet for her first wee after a 12 hour shift. You have no idea how many colleagues I envisaged just then.
‘Let’s ask mummy in a moment’
Unfortunately mummy gave me exactly the response I didn’t want to hear, but knew to be true. She’s right, I would never forgive myself if I had a terror with Reese next to me. It’s just so hard to accept. I really do love that child more than anything in the world combined infinite fold.
If a blonde woman with a big bum placed a lobster curry in front of me and a gin with tonic, served on a silver platter, it wouldn’t even come close. Obviously. I just wanted to make that comment to lighten the mood.
To those who know me……
When I act crazy and joke all the time, that is when I’m struggling the most. There have been no other strategies for me to use that I could find. When you see me quiet it’s actually when I’m most content I think.
When I look like I’m genuinely happy and laughing that’s because I’m just so relieved in that moment to be away from reality. Annoying how I’m so cryptic I know.
I annoy myself when I’m around people and am surprised at how anyone can tolerate me. I wasn’t like that before, but the infamous knock to the noggin excuse is also pertinent here as well.
I have to work ten times as hard as others and be happy to accept less
I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted Dani has found someone so quickly who can give her what I couldn’t, that’s just life. I’m so grateful to be here, writing this. Every day I wake up and breathe in with such satisfaction. I wiggle my hands (not my toes because I’m just too manly for that) and get out of bed, and whisper ‘thank you’ with every step. Not because I have to either, but because thats how I feel in this life.
I am so blessed and so fortunate to have what I have. It’s important to remember that when I feel a bit down about things. This presentation at uni will mark the end of year two and it, along with everything else that I’ve accomplished to get one step closer, will happen somehow.
I just need to look on my chest for inspiration. The word ‘Reese’ is all that’s needed. And if the 12 other tattoos don’t cut it, I’ll look on my left shoulder and see mine and Reese’s motto ..
Face of an Angel, Heart of a Lion