Te amo (for now)

I love you must be the most overused phrase in the English language. What does it mean?

Reese is my love in life. If she is the only person that can truly love me even if no one else outside of my family can, then I’ve won. It would be a mistake to even look at her in the wrong way. Or god forbid, if you were to lie about her to me.

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Before she was whisked away to NICU with her punctured lung, the first skin to skin contact Reese experienced was when my lips kissed her cheek and my tear dropped on to her nose.

 

When I was young, for me there was nothing more than to love someone and be loved in return. To share your life with someone.

So when I fell in love back in 2009, I knew that I’d do anything for her. I moved my life 120 miles to be with her and thats why I now live in Bournemouth.

 

I have a holiday booked one week from today and naturally my mum and I were reminiscing today about past holidays and my holiday romances.

” Do you remember Jessica? She was a really nice girl, just a really genuine, sweet and nice person. It would never have worked”.

You’d have to be loopy to get anywhere close to me if you’re too nice,  I attract the sort of trouble people could only dream of. Trouble sticks to me like stains stick to a mattress.

A lot of people have fooled me over the years, but even I didn’t expect her to be in a relationship only a few months after asking me for the same.

But that’s life

Now I’m coming to terms with the fact none of that was real. It was an illusion, a fairytale. Yes, she obviously turned out to be the wrong person for me then, in which case how would anyone ever know if anything was real or just an illusion? An act?

Instead of ‘I love you’ it should be ‘I love you for now’, that would be more fitting. 

For me, becoming involved with someone you care about now is as disastrous as making Boris Johnson prime minister. OR as disastrous as his haircut. Take your pick.

 If I ever met someone in the future that I really liked, I would grip myself immediately. There’s nothing worse than repeatedly hurting someone you care about.

My fight for nursing and constant strive for the impossible is down to love. It’s down to the infinite love I have for my daughter. We both nearly died in the same year.

Even though I do not have much of a say in Reese’s life right now, by doing what I’m doing I believe that I’ll teach her something that cannot be taught in a classroom or conversation, or through manipulation.

For anyone still silly enough to get in my way… good luck. And thank you.

NB to Reese

Always thank people for their wrongdoing and enabling you to grow stronger as a result.  

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