For a while I thought that my paranoia came as a symptom of PTSD, but seeing as I’ve been treated for that and feel cool with it now I’m starting to see it as more as an after effect of the brain injury (and probably life events).
I’m terrible. I mean, I really am bad when it comes to trusting or even believing people and what they tell me. I just assume their lying without even realising it.
Recently, something came out my mouth that I was very surprised to hear. I was probed about why I am the way I am about letting people into my life (or, how I don’t let people in).
I found myself saying –
“It’s the lesser of two evils. It beats being lonely, because at least then I have people around me in my life.
I’m not wondering why I do it, I’m not pondering how it happened or saying I need to change. I’m simply making an observation. I choose to live like this with everyone.
I like to be alone in my heart but like physical company when I feel up to it. It changes depending on my fatigue and capacity levels dependent on how much I’ve got going on in my life at the time.
You’ll notice with me if you ask my opinion on a matter, whatever it is, I answer it super quick. That’s because the answer you’ll get from me is unfiltered, my brain doesn’t waste time with putting filters in the way of what I want to say. Life becomes simpler when people are honest.
If I had one wish it would be that humans had no filter. Yes, I might upset people because I’m not conforming. I might get strange looks, or people often have something to say about the way I do things. I might get hated and ostracised….
I See you!
A) I’m really not bothered
B) People hate what they are too scared to try themselves
Scenario in Mikey’s ‘no filter’ world:
Two men are walking down the street. One is dancing and singing out loud, the other is walking with his hands in his pockets looking miserable. Pocket man says,
“You’re weird. Stop dancing around like a pranny. You look stupid”
Dancing man: “Ok. Well you’re an ugly twat”
Pocket man:” Fair one”
The two men shake hands. The dancing man carries on his way still dancing, unperturbed. The man who had his hands in his pockets also goes his own way. But he checks to make sure no one is looking at him, then he takes his hands out of his pockets and dances about with a big grin on his face.
My moral to the story? Honesty and difference. See what the worse thing that could happen would be. You’ll find that those who mocked you at first for being so ‘different’ or ‘weird’ are so desperate to be honest and free that when you turn around they’re trying it out for themselves.
“If they’re hating on you then at least you know that you’re doing something right”