Always go for the teacup ride

 

Some people living with a chronic health condition become so used to different feelings of pain and discomfort that their brain begins to deal with it by pushing it aside on a daily basis

Two days ago I met with my neurologist for my bi annual review and he explained this to me. I told him I’d become so used to having a headache 24/7 that I’d learned to ignore and forget about it. This seemed to please him.

Although he seemed worried about the amount of medication I take, but deemed it necessary to keep me ticking over nicely.

Yesterday I felt what all you regular lot feel when you’re exhausted.

I had gotten up early with Reese and played until late the night before. I was shattered, but not neurologically.

It wasn’t brain injury fatigue, there is  a huge difference between the two and it’s obvious to tell the difference as long as pay attention to yourself. 

I was sat at my neurologists desk two days ago a completely different man to the one that sat there a year ago. Because of my commitment to meditation and silence, I have learned to better manage my symptoms.

I’ve been fighting to improve my symptoms for five years, I’m getting somewhere with some of them, but there are some things no amount of willpower can change.

What do you do when after 30 minutes of walking, you become dizzy, unsteady and experience vertigo, to the point you can’t even walk in a straight line.

The closest thing I can think of to explain it is likening it to walking on a bouncy castle. After a while of great fun on this imaginary bouncy castle you start feeling sick, then you get an upset stomach.

At work, I am always taking toilet breaks. If I start to feel it coming on I act on it early before it can get worse.

After I’ve taken a few quiet moments I get back to work and carry on. I laugh and joke and be myself, the more relaxed I am the less these wonderful symptoms pay me a visit.

osho laughter.jpg

I have already defied the odds by making it this far. I’ve put myself through years of torture not only to get to where I am now, but also to give my brain the best chance possible at rewiring itself to help me live with as much functionality as possible.

I feel tired, drained, exhausted. I’ve faced the toughest opponents of my life and had to live through terrifying and soul destroying realities. The amount of pain I hold has quadrupled and I’ve gained a rare and valuable insight into true human nature. But at least I’ve smiled and laughed my way through it. What else was I supposed to do?

sad

Regardless of what happens Mikey, you can’t stop. No matter what happens, you must not give in. 

This is what I told myself three years ago before I restarted my nurse training for the second time. Nothing has surprised me because I prepared myself for this, and although no one could’ve imagine how hard it was going to be, I knew this might be the way it would go.

Yes, I’m tired. Yes, I’m drained. Yes, Im sad. Yes, I’m wary. I’ve completely lost faith and trust in all people on this planet.

But I’m still coming for what I want. Nothing has, will or can change that and I would sooner give up my life than give up on what I’ve set out for.

I’m going for it. I don’t care if my liver gets damaged from copious amounts of medication, I promised myself to do everything I had to to get this done. If the meds give me what I need to achieve this miracle then it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay.

So I guess it’s on to the next chapter of this  crazy rollercoaster. I said it’d be a rollercoaster of a ride in my first blog, maybe I should’ve just stuck to the teacups.

teacups.jpg

 

 

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