‘Mikey! Mikey! Are you ok? Are you OK mate?!’

Tap tap tap to the chest.

‘Mikey?!’

The name of the doctor who was tapping my chest and waking me up from my coma abroad needs to remain confidential, because as I write these words my solicitor’s advice that I discontinue writing my blogs rings in my ears. He first told me to stop 2 and a half years ago.

They will be watching and they will be reading.

This is for you guys, in case you forgot:

 

4 years previously..

My neuro therapist sat cross legged in the chair next to me.

‘So, let’s get started. I know you want to try and restart your nurse training again, I’ve been told your adamant about it. Is it really what you want to do? I mean, is there something else you might find enjoyable? I’m just thinking of the difficulties you now face with cognition, communication etc, I’m just being practical

. You’d need so much support and additional considerations, are the uni aware of that? Are they willing to support you in such a way?’.

1 year and a half ago…

Health visiting was never really my thing, but I wanted to give it my absolute best as I have done with all my placements. As I sat in the cold chair in one of the offices, a member of staff spoke with me:

You’re wonderful with patients and their families. You’re compassionate and skilled, but there’s something not quite there. Have you ever thought about doing something else? I mean, there are so many jobs where your talents could be applied.

I spoke with a member of my university recently. Sometimes being so different is the loneliest feeling in the world. People like me are hard to understand, or even like, but this isn’t news to me. It’s an old reality that I’ve understood for 5 years now.

Things happen, I make mistakes. I try my best with everything and I always will. I have a year to go and I’m about to embark on my biggest challenge yet, the one which will challenge the reality of whether I can hold down a job as a nurse.

If you ever think negatively of someone because of the way they are, remember this: they haven’t had the same life experiences as you. It goes back to what I often say about homeless people, they didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to become an alcoholic or drug abuser with no home. Imagine what must have happened in their lives for this to become their reality.

You have to be willing to go it alone.

No one will ever understand, mostly because they won’t hang around long enough anyway, so act on that and be prepared before it happens, otherwise you’ll be sad all the time. Don’t be bought by the crap you always hear at the beginning, ‘I want to know you, I want to be involved with you. I’m not like the others’.

Because of my personal experiences the people I meet now don’t even get the chance to know me

Distance yourself and don’t feel badly about it, it’s your reality. Learn not to care about what people think of you, or you’ll be miserable. Most important of all, you have to find peace amidst the chaos!

I’ve been told for years how I should live my life, what I should and should not do etc, what’s acceptable, what’s not, what’s allowed, what’s socially correct and what’s not.

It makes no difference to me who believes in me and who doesn’t, I have very little emotion for anything other than my family, Reese and showing compassion to people.

But I’m still here. One more year to go and I’m going to give it all I’ve got, win or lose. But I won’t fail, because you only fail if you don’t try.