The pain in my head hasn’t left me for the last 3 months, I literally couldn’t tell myself the last time I didn’t have a headache.

Heaven and hell aren’t geographical places. Each person can go through their own types of heaven and hell throughout their lives, I can attest to that having visited both many times these past 27 years.

Doctors have said I’ll probably get dementia very early. I say: well who the fuck would notice?

I’m back here again. It can’t be put into words so I don’t. This blog is for me.

I’ve got this far by using the pain

Not just the pain in my head. I carry a lot of pain with me, so it’s a double whammy when my head decides to give me the good news with piercing pangs of lightening throughout every second of my day, whilst I’m told by others around me working 3 days a week as a nurse is concerning.

Well and truly isolated. Again.

But it’s a state of mind. Not physical. This will take the biggest miracle I’ve experienced yet to accomplish. I know I can do it, but whether I will remains yet to be seen. I know I shouldn’t be doing this anymore, yet I still am.

Fear in all its totality

I walk alone. I alive alone, this journey is my own. Unfortunately no one can understand, that’s just what it is.

Addicted to pain

Pain, like every emotion in life, should be celebrated. I celebrate life in as many ways as I can. Without pain in its totality, I wouldn’t have got this far. It just fucking hurts sometimes.

Tattoos cover up the pain so I can carry on pretending

Here we go again. Square one. If I fail, they’ll have to drag me out on my knees. But if I give it my best, there’s satisfaction in knowing i did all I could do. There’s victory in that.

Becoming a nurse isn’t winning. Fighting 7 years to get there is winning, whatever the outcome.

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