You only lose what you cling to

When July arrives this year I guess i’ll be finding out a great deal in regards to which direction my life will be taking. It’s a culmination of the two biggest aspects of my life meeting at once.

But the court case is not in any way in my hands

Big medical interviews are coming up though. I’m needing to swap shifts to make time for these. Oh yes, my shifts. My final nursing placement, which is something thats big enough to manage on it’s own.

I have to stay focused.

The NHS have already declined me funding if I need to take anymore time off sick and extend my course. That bit of news is particularly peachy for me this week, as I’ve spent this past week suffering in my bed with severe strep-throat and tonsillitis.

Although I’ve lost 4 lbs. And I got some steroids. So fair one šŸ™‚

But I’m running out of time and money. July is the end of the line for me, if they decide to pass me or not. I can’t afford to live in my flat, let alone fund myself for my nurse training. It seems each I get into a momentum whilst working my health gives me the good news.

The support I do get is running thin, 7 years is a long time, but i’ll feel forever grateful for the support and compassion I was extended, it’s a beautiful aspect of life I’ve experienced and am eternally thankful for

My situation is, and continues to be, completely unique and at times, not quite believable.

Another week off work sick

But I can’t do much about that. When July comes, the worse case scenario is that I could ‘lose everything’. By that, you can infer the loss of my flat and independence, financial security for the rest of my life and the one thing I have always loved: my nursing.

But you only lose what you cling to

So I no longer cling. I live inĀ thisĀ moment in complete contentment with my solitude. My problems are no greater than anyone else’s.

osho i.jpg

Recently I actually let someone get quite close to me for the first time in years. I was still very cautious, but we had a real connection of weirdness. I was disappointed when I received a drunken message one night saying that

‘My friends think your brain injury is just an excuse’

Again, you can’t blame people for feeling like that. I look normal and it’s very hard to see past what’s in front of you, especially if you do not practice meditation. This is not the first time a ‘relationship’ of some kind has broken down as a result of others’ misunderstanding of my condition, and i’m certain it won’t be the last.

osho know.jpg

I was however, at the beginning of the week when I was pyrexial and Tachy, having very vivid hallucinations of Albus Dumbledore standing at the bottom of my bed with uncooked potatoes rolling around his feet and my bedroom floor.

I’m used to having my neck above the waterline. I’m used to having the odds stacked heavily against me with only a very minute possibility of coming out the other side.

Through the good and the bad, I just breathe and feel grateful for this moment, because that’s all that exists. I enjoy the moment I’m in and don’t expect anything from the next one. Whilst there is stillĀ thisĀ moment, I am always winning.

 

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