Today at work, I was swaying standing in the staff toilet. It was only 10am, I still had 6 hours to go.

Switch on

I drank 4 litres of water. I took regular toilet breaks to splash water on my face and use my e-cigarette as the nicotine helps me in the short term.

I noticed last night my left eye was very bloodshot, so I used some BB eye foundation eye cream to make myself look a bit fresher.

I went to the staff room and got some protein bars down me, calorie intake is crucial at this stage.

I left the staff room and put all the effort I could give into saying (as cheerily as I could) ‘hiya! How are you?’ to a member of staff who greeted me en route.

I maintained eye contact, despite my 4th cranial nerve giving me the good news as my eye muscles kicked into action and I forced myself to move my eyeballs upwards to meet her gaze.

Every day I have to pretend.

I have proven I can work as a nurse competently and safely, but it comes at a big cost for me. So now it’s 7:30pm and I’m going to bed. I swapped tomorrow’s shift for Wednesday as I need to get better.

I need to recover this as best I can, otherwise with all the will in the world if you do not listen to your body, you’ll end up feeling fucked for 3 months and barely able to lift your head off your pillow, like I did over christmas.

It hurts, it’s ugly, it’s messy, there’s constant pain and discomfort and at times it’s terrifying. But I know I can get there.

This is what often happens when my rest days are so busy. The past two days my nan was visiting and I had Reese during the day, but it was a rookie mistake to make to think seeing them instead of resting was a good idea.

Just under 3 months left, I’ll only stop trying when I’m no longer on this earth. a bit dramatic perhaps, bit it’s more than just a job for me.

Sometimes you need to listen to what your heart is telling you even when it’s leading you through hell and back continuously. Listening to your heart is far less boring than listening to your logical thoughts.