There are no winners

‘Jane, do you mind if I go and sit in the empty bay for five minutes, my head isn’t good’ 

As I sat in the dark and empty room, I massaged my head, my eyes and my temples. It was only 12 o’clock, I still had four hours of work to go.

Or I could tell the staff I must go home now instead

As I stood up to go back to the loud hubbub of the ward, I knew I hadn’t ever felt fatigue come on like this before. I took a deep breath and opened the door that lead to the ward.

The noise was excruciating. Children were running up and down the ward and crashing into walls, each noise was piercing and amplified tenfold and my photosensitivity to the light was unbearable.

I had three patients to look after on my own.

My phone rang. It was my solicitor. I stepped off the ward and took the call. It was bad news. I am going to court next month with only a 60% chance of success. Our meeting tomorrow is cancelled.

Well there goes that hope of settling this without the nightmare of court proceedings

I returned to the ward. My eyes were flickering, my head was in the worse pain I have ever felt. The dizziness was torment and I felt so sick because of it. My balance was so difficult to maintain, imagine trying to balance a banana on the tip of your finger.

I have to hide it. I have to pretend

If I am honest about how I feel to the staff, there are no words to accurately describe the experience.

Words like ‘headache’ and ‘migraine’ will never do it justice.

People will judge and people can change your circumstances unjustly, so I must remain switched on.

Because of my accident, this could be my last chance I have to achieve something meaningful that I love

The staff must think I am such a dick, my communication is terrible. Try having a conversation with someone and only using words with vowels, that’s how much effort is required just to communicate with people when I feel ‘fatigued’.

This is a nightmare that no one around me will ever know about.

I finished the shift and even discharged one of my patients. Everything was up to date and I went home only when I was finished, half an hour after my normal finish time. My next challenge was driving home.

I managed to get home. I was expecting another call from my solicitor, but I cancelled.

I spent hours on my bedroom floor. I clutched at my head, I massaged it, used lavender, drank more water, ate a calorific meal, meditated..I felt so sick and dizzy. I crawled to my bathroom as the dizziness made my stomach turn. I vomited back up all my pizza.

What a waste of money that was, I wasn’t grateful for that

But I am grateful for life, I am grateful my body hasn’t failed me yet. I thought I may end up with a seizure yesterday, but once again I am grateful that my body was able to cope (just about), but the feeling of guilt remains ever present as I continue to put my body through this.

But I am in love with life and everything in it

Meditation combined with these experiences make you appreciate life even more. The beauty of living in the present moment with compassion and empathy is always there for me, regardless of how I feel.

present osho.jpg

The sound and beauty of the beach, the sun, or the lovely picture of autumn leaves, or even snow. You most probably think I’m mad, which I know I am.

I am a madman who has known suffering and who knows sadness. But I am also a madman who knows the peace, beauty and joy which can be found at any given moment within us all simply by removing the mind or ‘thinking’ and anchoring your conscious into the present moment which is full of all kinds of indescribable beauty.

I also know the latter three can only be taken away by me, not my circumstances.

 

 

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