When you’re driving along the motorway on the way to work in the dark at 70mph at 6:30 in the morning and you suddenly feel razor blades start to slice the inside of your cranium and a 20 stone sumo wrestler is positioning himself on top your head, you know you’re probably in a spot of bother.
Frontal and parietal lobe bleeds and Subarachnoid haemorrhages are a daisy.
That was three days ago. Since then, I am not embellishing when I say I’ve spent 95% of my time in bed.
Fair enough, Diffuse Axonal Injury involves the tearing and destruction of the nerve cells in your brain, which does sound rather serious
The fact they’re the only cells in the body that do not regenerate after severe damage is just typical!
What I’m experiencing right now is neuro-exhaustion as a result of these wonderful experiences which pretty much comes from simply too much output not enough input. I cant help but see this as the perfect excuse to order a dominoes.
Winter survival deal. Boom.
It feels like you don’t even have enough energy to stand up. Your limbs feel like jelly, you have a headache 24/7 and it feels like someone has put glue around the back of your eyeballs!
The sickness is the worst. Thats from the dizziness, which is pretty constant throughout the day but gets worse after about 5pm
The energy it takes just to talk or try to hold a conversation is tantamount to exhaustion in itself. And yet, nobody knows what it feels like, especially if you look outwardly well.
Ive had to take more time off work. This really wont bode well as I’m still in my probationary period
And yet I cant stop thinking to myself how lucky I am.
Because all this would be a lot harder in a wheelchair
I have a job I love (for now at least) I have a family. People at work offer me help and try to support me the best they can. I can walk, talk and wash myself.
During my coma which lasted 2 weeks, I was totally conscious
So I know what it feels like to be in a vegetative state where you cant do anything other than feel acute pain, and listen to conversations going on around you being spoken by people who think their words are being spoken in private.
No matter what happened to me yesterday, everyday I wake up I feel like Ive been given another chance at life.
All I want to do is grab it with both hands. Even if I’m stuck in bed feeling exhausted and helpless, ill focus my energy totally to doing even the simplest of things; eating, drinking, resting. This is how I’ve learned to love spending time on my own.
No matter what is going on in your life, if you’re still able to put your feelings of despair, sadness, worry, anxiety or anger aside and focus on everyday things like this with complete dedication and gratitude your life will start to become magical. You will start to flourish and you’ll find happiness when realising that you always had it.
This is the reason I had to do the nursing
Because I love it. I love helping families through hard times. I like that when I am being myself completely this can help other people. I’m happy to be the clumsy clown because it makes people laugh and I don’t care about much else.
But Rome wasn’t built in a day. I learned to fully merge myself in the daily tasks of eating, sleeping, resting, cooking etc. It was only after I learned to do this that the magic started to happen and the impossible became the improbable.
I remember thinking…
…as I was tied down to the stretcher inside the leer jet that made its 17 hour journey up from Mexico to Canada, to Greenland and then to the UK…
If I can survived this I’m making myself a promise to never forget
The smell of the ventilator tubes, the noise of it breathing for me..I’ll never forget that
Even the moment I experienced death before being sucked back into existence through being resuscitated and finally intubated
Every day I am thankful I’m not in those circumstances.
Now I want to laugh like there’s no tomorrow and I don’t take much in life seriously….
Because at any moment you could find yourself in the fiery pits of hell, yet I cant help but think the real hell would be not to appreciate the little things you have in life everyday.
One thought on “The real hell”
Take care! Thinking of you. M xx