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The doctor will see you now..

November 27, 2025November 27, 2025 hustlehard4life1 Comment

I sat down opposite the neurological registrar.
‘After your brain injury, Do you get the confusion?’ He said.

’yes’ I said.

’what is your biggest problem?’ He said.

’fatigue’, I said. ‘That’s why I’m here. Every time I try to work or volunteer, I’m left so badly affected by tiredness and dizziness afterwards that sometimes it feels like I’m destined to live in bed’.

’is it’ he said. The ‘it’ was elongated over two seconds. More like, ‘Is itttt?’

’yes. I’ve done years of inner work and therapy, but I’d like you to refer me to a therapist who specialises in brain injuries to see if that could help’ I said.

’is it’ he said.

’yeah’ I said. ‘I’m hoping they can help me with some advice on returning toworking life after having a brain injury’.

I’d been sat down for 5 minutes. It felt like 5 hours. Time to get up and leave. Then he said,

’So tell me why the fatigue makes you want the therapy with the brain injury therapist’.

’Well I’m 35 and don’t have many friends or social opportunities at the moment, and whenever I try to find some sort of purpose with some social interaction through work or volunteering, I’m left recovering in bed for days on end. I want to engage with life more!’ I said.

What a speech. For a brief moment I thought I’d reached him. Then he came up with this stinker.

’Have you tried having a rest during the day, it is very important’.
‘Yes I tried that 13 years ago when I bumped my head’ I said.

’Is itttt?’ He said.

’I could probably tell you more about brain injury than you can tell me, couldn’t I?’ I said.

’so you have the sadness?’

’the sadness?’

’the sadness yeah’ he said.

Turns out my speech went down like a fat kid on a seesaw

’did you just ask me if I have the sadness?’ I said.

’yeah the sadness’ he said.

’this conversation with you is making me very sad’ I said.

’is it?’ He said, in all seriousness.

’And how often do you have the tiredness?’ He asked.

’Well -‘ I started to say.

’All the time yeah, yeah ok most of the day yeah?’ He finished for me.

’No. I’d like to help other people with brain injuries maybe, put my experience to good use. Do you know of -‘

’Yeah, yeahhhhh, that’s the good thing to do. Yeahhhh.’

‘You’re not listening to me.’ I said.

’I am’ he said.

’You don’t let me finish my sentence. You remind me of my ex wife.’ I said (no malice intended there, she’d be the first to agree).

’So you get the anger?’ He said.

’When people don’t listen to me yes’ I said.

‘I will write up this letter for you about our meeting today and send it in the post’ he said.

The letter…

.. arrived in all its glory a week later. Dr sadness had decried that:

Depression and anxiety I do not believe is related to his brain injury.

Patient to commence Mirtazipan.

GP to monitor mental health and if worsens refer to community mental health team.

Well slap my bottom and call me Judy.

It seems Ask for therapy and you are recommended to take a strong medication used to treat severe depression, which is something I wasn’t actually surprised about..

But it made me angry

After all..

All the things I enjoy doing make me feel pretty dizzy.

Reading, writing, painting, walking.. I’ve yet to come across an activity I can fully indulge in to my heart’s content without feeling like I’m treading the deck of a ship battling a storm within about half an hour of starting.

So it makes sense that volunteering in a busy charity shop or working as a companion to someone would make me feel the same way.

But my main challenge after the meeting was that I hadn’t felt I had been listened to.

This triggered an old identity around not feeling good enough as I am

I was hoping for some support with reintegrating back into this part of society after suffering a severe brain injury.

But instead the entire meeting had felt like a tickbox exercise. I didn’t feel I had a voice, which is rare.

There was a language barrier, granted. But there was also a presence barrier, there was no presence. Whenever I talked, he talked.

Whenever he didn’t talk, he typed, or I could see he was busy loading up what he was going to say next.

My first reaction was anger.

It brought up memories from childhood, being bullied, or even more than that, how I felt right after my brain injury 13 years ago.

How dare he not listen to me

‘I’m just misunderstood’.

‘People don’t get me’.

But before I started down any of these rabbit holes fully (don’t get me wrong, I dipped a toe) a thought occurred to me.

Was I listening to him?

No. I was busy in my left character 1 brain, judging him and this experience to be a waste of time and feeling more important while coming up with victimhood stories like ‘I am just misunderstood’.

I was sucked into victimhood.

But If I’m being honest, lying down every day is something I know helps me, but Something I stopped doing many years ago…

..and why should he listen to me? Would I like it if someone told me that I HAD to listen to them?…was I seeing him as an alive human being with choice, or an object for my own victim gratification?…

..can i know that he didn’t listen to me? Or did he not listen in the way I ‘believed’ he should? After all, he prescribed me medicine to help me. He was helping me in the way he knew how to. As a 35 year old adult do i really need to collapse into victimhood when I believe someone doesn’t listen to me?

Why should people listen to me? What makes me so special?

The bigger picture

But let’s be honest. My anger wasn’t because of the doctor. He was just the mirror.

And because he is a person in authority, who can be used to project my frustration about life onto, the decision was made to fire up that old pattern of blame. These cycles are on repeat…

…or if I’m smart,i could realise that he was playing the role of a kind of therapist himself. After all, did my meeting with him not bring up anger, a fear of not feeling good enough and a deeper melancholy that is already present day to day?

Sounds like the very thing I was seeking was right in front of me

But oh my, don’t I face this same dilemma every day of my life?

The choice of whether to face my circumstances as an adult or from the eyes of when I was a child and never got my own way?

Someone asked me recently

‘Isn’t it ok to be a victim sometimes?’

And after a few days I have an answer.

’Is it ok to pretend to be a horse sometimes?’

What about a pig? Or A lamppost? Because just like a victim who sees the world through the eyes of a helpless child, I’m not actually any of those things either. I’m just not. I can waste a few hours blaming people and the world and pretending I am, that’s not actually wrong in any way.

But I’m not. I’m a 35 year old man who has agency and choice to do what I want. No one forces me to do anything, nor has anyone ever.

It’s not wrong to spend a few hours pretending I’m a child, or a horse, or a lamppost, but it’s not going to help me take my next Rational step any quicker.

Victimhood is a strategy

But when I look back at the ‘worst’ times of my life, I can honestly say these were the times where I entertained stories of victimhood quite heavily.

Or..

I’d use my emotions to try and change things. Even without realising, like when the shop assistant told me they’d stopped selling Dispseable BBQs, I would become angry as a way of trying to get what I want.

I should have won an Oscar for my lifelong role as the angry victim

Whenever I want something from someone, a PIP assessor to give me the right decision, for someone to let me out in traffic, for someone to complement me, I feel it. I physically take on a younger me. Anxiety in the chest, tense shoulders, heartbeat rising, neck stiffens (And there’s me wondering why stress exacerbates my health condition)

Then I’d expect the world to please me and get angry when it didn’t.

Which again, isn’t wrong

But it’s not going to help me write a letter of complaint about the experience with that doctor, which I managed to do from present 35 year old Mikey, who I hope will be taken more seriously than 9 year old, stamping of the feet whilst pointing the finger Mikey.

An old strategy

After my head injury, I felt flawed beyond words. I took on the role of ‘it’s not my fault I’m broken’ and as a result, life became a fucking nightmare.

My whole existence depended on pity and validation of ‘it’s not his fault, awww’. Then I wasn’t a threat. Then I was more likely to get what i wanted from people, through their pity.

Will you be a victim today?

Victimhood Is an old strategy. Maybe once it was useful. But ask Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Elon Musk or bloody Beyoncé if playing the role of a victim has is what has helped them get to where they are.

Just like with the experience with the doctor I had, i realised that it all comes down to a choice which is..

Feel angry that things didn’t go my way and blame him

See what happened as a part of life and something to grow from

Don’t get me wrong, i’m not perfect at this and I’m only sharing my insights. I slip into victimhood sometimes for hours before I wonder why i feel trapped and helpless.

But i guarantee you something, that all the circumstances in my life and every person in it is something I can and have applied this choice to.

‘When you’re heart is pure enough, you can learn something about yourself from anyone you walk past in the street’ – Nisargadatta.

I’ll finish here

Something else I took from my meeting was the power we all have to listen.

This topic is for another blog! But I will say…

Brain injury or no brain injury..

Don’t underestimate the healing power of being Present with someone, truly listening, not because you have to, but because you want to

I find it is quite rare, and I’m no expert in listening. But there have been a few people I’ve been lucky enough to meet who have this gift. There are people I’ve known who inspire me everyday. The gift of being present and choosing to listen, I could also call that love.

These people didn’t listen with their minds. It was from their hearts. I could feel them when i talked.

And I’ve learned a lot from them, whether they’re here anymore or not. They have helped influence my life, and many others, for the better, and that’s something I will always be grateful for.

Bee Happy before you get squashed by a flamingo

June 17, 2025June 17, 2025 hustlehard4lifeLeave a comment

‘You have to find your thing’

The thing that gets you out of bed, keeps you up nights. The thing that’s on your mind constantly. The thing that you dedicate yourself to.

You need to find your passion!

I made nursing my thing. Being big and muscular. Being attractive. Being a lady’s man. Being a landlord. Being a reader. Being a writer. Being in love. Being awakened.

Doing the work!

Mediation. Awareness. Being an actor. Freedom. Love. Being popular. Earning money. Being successful. Doing well in my job.

Everyone needs a thing

Everyone needs a purpose

You can’t not have a purpose

You need to find your thing.

Do well in school. So you can get into a good uni. Do well at uni so you can get a good job. Get a good job so you can get a mortgage in a good house. Get a good house so you can have a good family. Get a good family so you can be a good family man/woman.

Be a good family man/woman because… Just because.

I think everyone should find their thing. Their purpose.

Then they can get to see that their thing won’t bring them lasting happiness. Or much happiness.

Then they can let go of their thing.

And stop for a moment.

Then what?

I don’t know. Maybe find some sanity. But I don’t know for sure.

Anything I’ve ever known has come from my mind.

Anything I’ve ever known has been created by my mind.

Nothing is really a ‘thing’ except in my mind.

Whoah

Even my old spiritual teacher used to say it was good to have a purpose.

Then another teacher says who cares about purpose.

Then I drank down my 9th can of Guinness.

To be fair I’ve tried it all. I’ve tried to make hundreds of things my thing.

Thing = the thing that finally brings happiness that we’re all looking for.

I sat in front of the swimming pool. In our B&B. In Leicester. In between visiting partner’s dad.

I was vaping. I saw a bumble bee flailing on the surface of the water. It span round and round. It was still alive.

In the pool there was also an inflatable flamingo. The wind began to blow flamingo in the direction of the bumblebee. If it reached the bee it would likely squash it. End of days for the bee.

I watched as flamingo got closer to the bee. Eventually it passed over the bee. Then the bee was gone. I continued vaping.

My partner came out for a vape. I decided to swim in the pool. I searched for the bee. I couldn’t find it. It must have died.

Why is life like that?

‘Not saving saving Bee let nature take its course’

‘I am guilty’

‘I am a monster’

‘I don’t care’

All random words that create how I view myself. My choice.

In the end I swam about. Ended up Finding another bee. Rescued it.

Nothing much happened.

Woke up the following morning and found two more bees in the pool. My girlfriend saved them.

Life goes on lifing.

Try this simple exercise

Every conclusion you have about yourself and other people, just give up.

Give up every idea and conclusion about yourself and other people.

Try it for as long as you can. Even a few moments will do. then come back to it throughout the day.

Once you have a glimpse it will be hard to go back fully.

Everything will be fresh.

Words from the sickbed

June 3, 2025June 3, 2025 hustlehard4lifeLeave a comment

Nothing much to write today. I just wanted to get the ball rolling again and so I’m just testing the waters. Getting a feel for things again.

No plans on what I’m going to write

Then again, people who used to read this blog would always tell me they were usually the most intimate pieces of writing I had, when it wasn’t planned.

How do I feel?

Let’s start there. That’s usually pretty juicy.

I notice sadness, anger, relaxation, quiet, some fear too. In bed feeling tired.

The dream of emotions

Don’t you think it’s funny how when we describe what emotions we have, there’s a belief that there is actually a thing called anxiety, fear, happiness or sadness living inside our bodies?

Like some sort of separate entity that is alive in us. Or the sense of ‘me’, as Mikey, the real ‘me’ somewhere inside my body, probably in my head or between my eyes.

TBT men in black.

Great film.

Sorry to disappoint you. I told you this was a ‘go with the flow’ blog. If you think this is random so far, I’ve no idea what’s coming next.

Thankfully there’s no real thing called emotions in our bodies. There’s just thoughts and memories and hormones. Anxiety to you will mean something different to me.

What is it?

If its A Sensation, where is it? What’s the colour of it, the shape, texture?

Is it a memory? A story? A sense of yourself you feel? What actually IS this thing called anxiety or sadness or depression or happiness?

I have been writing a book on and off for the past 13 years. I’ve written about three different drafts and probably up to 100 pages. I’d like and I plan to write a book at least once in my lifetime.

My laptop has been broken for a while, but it miraculously started working again recently, so here I am again in all my vocabular glory (real word?)

I’ve just started bleeding from a cut on my face from shaving last night. I started shaving for the first time in five years recently.

It brings up a lot of issues I had around self worth much of which was related to appearance, so its a good practice

I do a lot of self enquiry. Have been at it quite intensely for the past seven years.

When I used to write this blog, a lot of the motivation was to feel accepted by people.

Problem was I wasn’t realising that the biggest rejector of myself was me.

Divorced, coma, three houses, boyfriend, actor, son, brother, elderly companion, party animal on and off, reader, landlord, Dad, ex nurse blah blah.

Still bleeding.

I recently told my agent I’m going to step back from acting for a bit. Things like that don’t get me going much at the moment.

the drive for a lot of things I thought made me happy are gradually burning themselves out (over the past 13 years).

Gym, acting, performing, making money, nursing, working, having lots of friends, being funny, projects, being liked, social acceptance – all these things take some degree of pushing for me. Something in me needs to ‘push’ to get them done.

Don’t get me wrong, I prefer if people like me.

But I also don’t mind if they don’t. And I shan’t push myself in the name of being liked.

why push?

Usually it was for some story, some promised pot of gold somewhere in the future.

‘Make more money’

‘Be happier’

‘Do well in my job’

‘Feel good about myself’

‘Be popular’

‘Be loving’

‘Be spiritual’

‘Be kind’

‘Be a good employee’

Nowdays it feels more natural to let things happen as they want to happen. With less agenda-infused pushing and manipulating.

That can feel pretty reference-less, pretty simple and empty. Sometimes it can be dynamic (After all, I’m certainly not sat around all day doing nothing).

At first I struggled big time. Now it’s becoming just what it is.

It’s not that I’ve renounced life. I’m just seeing how things I used to do to try and chase happiness don’t bring happiness. They never really did. I just imagined they did and called that happiness.

And I notice how my natural flow often got hijacked by my desire to push, have an agenda, to be someone or achieve something special. Then it became less about the natural flow, and more about the push.

My nursing journey is a prime example. My natural calling to serve others was hijacked by creating an identity around it. Where I needed to be the best nurse in the country, famous, improve the NHS etc.

It wasn’t wrong or bad …

But it made me miserable. Then I would hatch a new plan to escape my misery.

Without realising that before I chased happiness and then found misery in the first place I was already happy

Not all the time. That would be boring.

Happiness = the relinquishing of trying to be happy.

Are you happy? Fuck off. Stupid question.

Try: what idea are you chasing?

Buddha Jesus shiva god blah blah. Try: how was my cup of tea?

I’ve been miserable, I’ve been happy, I’ve been in despair, I’ve been on unimaginable highs and lows and all in between, long term readers of my blog will be familiar with some of the tales.

And funnily enough, in between moments of feeling like I was burning alive in hell, I often found peace

My heart still opened when I saw something that touched me. Some music. A film. A person. An animal. Even just a little bit.

I still laughed. I still had (and thankfully have) a fantastic sense of humour.

Those moments were enough, to make me realise I didn’t need to chase as much.

If I can find peace even whilst suffering, isn’t that better than chasing ideas of happiness?

Ultimately, the next step I need to take In life isn’t found in my mind, or my bank account, a book, the live the life you love wall hanging in Jackie’s kitchen or even a well meaning friend or relative.

It’s in the quiet. And it happens by itself when all that other stuff isn’t getting in the way.

Chasing happiness = unhappiness + discord.

Not chasing happiness = happiness and cord (is cord the opposite of discord?)

Well I think that’s it for today. Until next time!

Adieu

The lazy way

September 23, 2024September 23, 2024 hustlehard4lifeLeave a comment

2012

You can’t be a nurse anymore Mikey your brain injury was too severe’ the nurse said.

‘Yes I can just watch me!’ I said.

2024

Looking back on my conversation with nurse Ratchett was humbling. After all, she had been right. I wasn’t able to work as a nurse. But me being as stubborn as an ox, I’d spent the next 8 years in intense suffering before I was able to accept that.

I wanted to be a nurse because connecting with people through kindness and compassion gave me a true sense of home. It felt like home because kindness and love feel like core qualities for me.

To make up for losing touch with these qualities in myself, I’ve been on a few wild goose hunts over the years;

Alcohol binges

Drug taking

Obsessing over my appearance

Portraying myself to be someone really special and admirable

Becoming enlightened

..to name a few.

Some of this was great fun. But I kept coming up against an undeniable spanner in the works..

Whenever something in life would happen to me that was not in support of being special, enlightened, seen as attractive or muscular enough, I would use up all my resources to resist it and become miserable again

Even an idea or thought I’d have about myself that didn’t align with what I wanted, like ‘you’re not that muscly now’ or ‘that behaviour wasn’t very enlightened’, I would go into full on depression and meltdown mode.

I would resist the thoughts because they didn’t match up to the idea I wanted to believe about myself. And I’d spend years fixing the criticisms of my mind so I could live up to whatever version of myself I wanted to portray to the world.

So what is the answer?

There is no answer. Do what you want. Enjoy your life or don’t, neither really matters.

But guess what?

I’ve realised that nothing in life needs to change in order to find happiness, or contentment. Now thats the ultimate spanner to my obsession to be different to how I am.

It’s the resistance to what is that creates discord. My ideas on how life should be is what was covering the contentment and peace that is already here.

Seeing life as it is Iove.

And everybody has access to this.

Don’t think you can get your head around loving life as it is?

Then love the fact you cant love life as it is.

Don’t think you can love the fact you can’t love life as it is?

Then love the one who is not able to love life as it is.

Are you starting to see the simplicity of this? Nothing needs to be excluded. Simply choose to love to the best of your ability, as much as you can.

Try this on

The next time you think something about yourself needs to change, try loving it instead of resisting it.

If you cant love it, love yourself for not being able to love it.

If you find yourself still resisting it, love the one who is resisting it.

When we choose to love instead of resist, our mood changes, different neuro-chemicals and hormones are released and we relate to the world around us and ourselves In a different way.

It is pretty normal to choose a stress response over a more relaxed response for most of us.

But going into our old patterns of needing to change ourselves actually does the opposite. Our bodies go into a fight or flight response because we are literally trying to kill of a part of ourselves by wanting it to change.

We reject it. Ignore it. Try to destroy it.

That takes a lot of energy. This blog is the lazy way to accept your life as it is.

If these practices feel strained and aren’t effortless, we’ve lost touch with ourselves.

That’s all well and good, but I can’t love this about myself I need to fix it first, and then ill love it! If I love it how will it be resolved?

“We have become addicted to our own stress hormones, we are literally drug addicts” – S Tatkin (TEDTalks2024).

Some teachers and therapists say ‘really FEEL the love when you say you love yourself, really FEEL it in your being’.

Fuck off. If we could do that we wouldn’t need you in the first place.

Nothing I’m saying here is mystical or unachievable in this very moment. You don’t need to wait in order to feel the benefits.

You don’t need to be able to FEEL love on a profound level when you do this either. The words are enough on their own.

Just saying the words ‘I love myself for feeling like this’ is an act of love in itself. Your state will change. If you doubt this then give it a try. Then get in touch with me and tell me if I’m full of shit.

If in doubt, Love.

Even the willingness to choose these words over a more habitual and stressful response is enough for transformation of your life to begin to happen.

RIGHT NOW

Give yourself the gift of acceptance that we’ve all been taught to search for externally.

Get it from yourself before expecting to receive it from your partner, parents, friends, therapist, a large pepperoni pizza, or hatching plans to become insanely wealthy or even at the bottom of a premium bottle of gin.

Today I Ianded my first job in 14 years.

I’m now a professional actor, landlord, companion for the elderly and a badass love gangster.

I’m also none of these things and they don’t define me in the slightest. Because I have my own back first with or without them.

I can now choose to workout at the gym for fun, not because it defines me, it is not an identity to makeup for my lack of self acceptance.

I choose to be in a loving and devoted relationship with the woman I love because I want to, not because I need to in order to feel my self worth.

I choose to act professionally because I enjoy it, I choose to help the elderly because I feel a naturally calling to serve others, not because I need it as an identity. And now 16 years after setting out to be a nurse, I will actually have the time with people to provide exactly what I set out for when I first became a nurse.

I can be kind, but I also have the capacity to be a lazy, moody, bad tempered, selfish dickhead. It’s all welcome because none of it defines me. Welcoming all these parts as best I can is love, trying to be one and not the other is suicide. I am what I am. Warts an’ all.

If someone doesn’t accept something about me and uses it as a criticism, it’s not that important.

I already have my own back. I’m don’t need to go into a state of anxiety or stress based around needing to change myself.

And if I can’t accept criticism, I love myself intensely for that as much as I possibly can.

It’s simple practices like these that create the capacity for change within ourselves.

We don’t need to be perfect

We don’t neeed to change.

We don’t need to be a certain way.

The willingness to love in itself is an act of acceptance and self love. It will be enough for changes to happen. Trust me 🙂

The wave

June 12, 2023September 27, 2024 hustlehard4life1 Comment

Quite frankly I’m amazed I’m finding the time to even attempt to write this down! It was only on the recommendation of a friend that I do so, and things seem so alive and flowing in life nowadays it only felt right to oblige!

I split up from my ex some time ago now, long enough where I feel I can write about it. I won’t lie, it was pretty rough. During my 5 year relationship with this beautiful person, I can see now how I confused surrendering to love with merging and creating a deep attachment to another person out of fear of losing them. There was love between us, but it ended up becoming coloured by dependence and a fear of loss.

I am realising more and more that when I objectify love like this and make it belong to someone, it creates a lot of trouble. Because then I think the only way I can experience love is when i’m with that person, and that love is an external thing that belongs to them only. This is how attachment and aversion worked for me. I wanted to attach to my object of love and avoid losing it at all costs.

For years I did nothing with my life. After all, the love I was seeking outside of myself belonged to my girlfriend, so that’s all I needed. I didn’t bother with friends or hobbies, I created my whole life around her as I believed thats all I needed to do to maintain this connection to love. In doing this I completely forgot who I was, but It felt safe and like the right thing to do.

So naturally, when the relationship ended, it felt like I had nothing else in life left to enjoy, including love, as I’d put all my eggs in the same basket and that basket had now gone, so to speak.

Now I need a purpose. But what can I do? Nursing didn’t work, volunteering with children was great, but it has still left me with this need to find fulfilment and love from somewhere.

For a long time I meditated my way through every emotion that arose. It was a great way to avoid getting back out into the world and doing something with myself as it felt too unsafe. There was a lot of anxiety and self doubt. And whenever I attempted to try and get up and do something different with my life, the same thoughts would arise and instantly put a stop to something new potentially happening.

What if you get bored? What if you don’t enjoy it? Your health won’t let you do that, 10 years of medical reports cant be wrong. There must be something out there for you, something that you’re good at. But for now, just carry on meditating.

It was miserable but it felt safe. After all, my mind often told me that all the pain in life comes from taking risks and following the heart. So ‘best to stay indoors and stay safe’ became my mantra. Boris would’ve been proud.

The Epiphany

It wasn’t anything grand. One afternoon I was having coffee with a friend and I mentioned that I wanted to try acting on stage and do something to try and create more of a social life for myself.

She suggested an amateur dramatics group and also a social group that’s local to where I live. Before I’d had time to give it some serious thought, or allow the usual voices of doubt and fear to take over, my hands were already tip tapping away on my phone’s keyboard.

A wave starts to form

The next day, I attended a reading for a play with a local drama group. Two days after that, they cast me as one of the leading roles in a one act play which was just two months away.

I had also contacted the local social group and showed up to my first event the day after that. It consisted of a few games of pool alongside some smiling and different but very friendly faces. This progressed to karaoke with a live band, jumping up and down like a man possessed and then dancing in Cameo nightclub in Bournemouth until 3am. This happened on a Wednesday. Shock horror.

As each interaction with a stranger happened, It felt like a tiny piece of the shame that had been keeping my authentic expression and aliveness locked up was being liberated, bit by bit. It felt very energetic and spontaneous, things came out of my mouth which surprised me as there was such little care or thought given to what I was saying.

There was a letting go of the ideas of how I should be or act. In fact even that isn’t accurate, there was no letting go of anything. Just moment to moment spontaneity and aliveness that was being allowed to breathe again.

Thoughts that usually told me to ‘wrap this up soon as you’ll be too tired tomorrow’, or ‘be nice and polite because these are new people, you want them to like you’, were just not there anymore.

As for acting as a character in a play in front of a big group of strangers, this triggered a lot of self doubt at first. Before I’d say each line, I would be faced with two options:

Play yourself down, play it safe.
Let go and see what happens

When number 2 took precedence over number 1, more and more it felt like I was showing up for the first time as the person I actually was, shameless, unmasked and unfiltered. Here I am, this is me. Take it or leave it.

I also realised that these two options were spilling over into other moments in my life, and I began to see that I’d chosen playing it safe over my authenticity for so many years that I’d forgotten who I was.

I’m discovering more and more that when I give thoughts and concerns less attention and these barriers to my expression have the chance to melt away a bit, something else has the chance to come alive. When that ‘let go’ happened, the more authentic and unfiltered expression of myself had the chance to shine through. The authentic expression of myself that had been so violently judged and banished for so many years.

Flow

With less harmful thoughts and self criticism, it ended up leaving room for a completely different Mikey to show up. One that is dangerously spontaneous and unpredictable, who had been suppressed and locked away for so long without my even knowing it.

Loud conversation, inappropriate joking, authentic expression with little care to how it’s perceived and an organic movement towards flirting showed up with a vengeance.

As for the rehearsals with my drama group, they were going well too. With a lot less room for doubt and self criticism, some age old companions of mine, there was a lot more room for wild expression and a real passion for fun and mischief. And more willingness to push boundaries whilst being open to whatever outcome presented itself.

Don’t get me wrong, there has been and still is doubt and anxiety. I’m human. But I’m learning more and more that instead of trying to block out and shame these parts of myself, giving them a kiss instead brings that love I used to seek so much from others. It’s all part of the wave anyway.

Holy shit sauce. So it was here all along? I don’t need to find it in someone else or with ideal life circumstances?

The wave

The spontaneity of living like this is such a contrast to the well organised and cleverly thought out way I used to try and live my life. Now I honestly don’t know what will happen in the next hour, who I’ll meet or where I’ll end up.

Maybe I’ll attend the local buddhist monastery, end up drinking wine on the beach whilst climbing on those wooden groins until the lifeguard blows his whistle at me, or being with myself at home in my new egg chair in the garden watching the sunset with the cat.

I used to obsess over planning my life meticulously to keep myself from feeling bored, lonely or rejected.

All it took is a little bit of trust in this flow of life to know that it doesn’t need as much manipulation to look a certain way as I once thought. Life doesn’t need pushing around. I see that a bit more now.

So what am I left with?

I have met amazing people and continue to build connections every day.

Freedom and love is everything to me. Allowing myself to be exactly as I am without as much shame and judgement, warts and all, feels like the deepest and most profound sense of love I’ve tasted.

Freedom to surrender to how the current moment is manifesting and to love whatever does decide to show up, regardless of ideas of right or wrong or how I should be as a person.

And the cool thing Is there isn’t room for regret. After all everything has brought me to this moment, and I bloody love this moment.

I don’t know the people in this picture and it’s wonky

I’m gradually realising that love and freedom are not dependent on other people, my circumstances, what my financial status is or whether I am fulfilling my previous ideas of living a purpose in life that would bring about what I had been seeking.

Anyway, I’m slowly discovering that there is nothing I can do through effort that can bring any lasting sense of fulfilment. After all, if love or freedom, or even happiness, is dependent on something, what happens when you can no longer experience that something? I learned that through years of grasping onto being a nurse before needing to give it up.

No, love and freedom is an ‘inner’ job. This morning my purpose was meditating, then having a coffee and connecting with my sister. Then it was being a dad, taking my daughter and her friend to the park with lots of laughing, eating a meal deal and discussing cars while my car was being cleaned, then it was getting hot and bothered whilst being stuck in traffic, then unsuccessfully trying to figure out some financial problems and worries around work and right now it’s sharing these words with you.

And every one of these moments feels a unique expression of how life is simply unfolding. No one moment is better or worse than the other. They just show up spontaneously as they are.

The difference between now and a year ago is there is less judgement or resistance over how the unfolding happens. And for that I feel truly grateful.

If there is anything I’d encourage my daughter to take from the years and years of insanity and nonsense written in these blogs, it’s this: no matter who or what it costs you, be your fucking self.

There is no other expression like yours and life is very short to be hiding it from the world because of sounds that form in your mind telling you that you need to be different to how you are or the person you really want to be!

A goose chase

November 2, 2022 hustlehard4life1 Comment

So what have I actually been doing with myself for the past 3/4 years since I would frequently blog about being a children’s nurse with a health disability?

Starting to understand myself a bit more I guess. Meet some places that I ran from in myself, that I would deny or judge as wrong.

I started realising that all my life I’ve spent a lot of time creating splits, within myself and others, mainly of right and wrong. Better or worse. Good and bad.

Why?

Because I wanted to feel better and the way I thought I could do this by always being the right one, the better one or the good one.

It turned out that was a lot of hard work

I started to realise that It’s pretty tough basing my happiness on being perceived in a certain way, by myself or others, which is the same thing really.

Why did I do this?

Who knows? Maybe it was because I couldn’t live with who I was as a person. I hated myself.

So what am I left with so far after 4 years of determined ‘searching’ and reflection?

I don’t know really. But the obsession with wanting all the answers to questions like these is disappearing. And I’m left with the ordinariness of not knowing what the fuck this is all about. But I feel a bit better about that now days!

What if all along, this was just about drinking a cup of tea? Or reading my book. Or going for a walk, or feeling completely miserable and lost. Or having a beer. Or just being in a really bad fucking mood.

Oh shit. What if this has all just been a wild goose chase?

Then I may as well enjoy the chase as much as I can.

And anyway, drinking a cup of tea has never felt better 🙂

‘Something Else’

August 27, 2021 hustlehard4life1 Comment

Have you ever heard of the term ‘twin flame’?

I’m not sure that it really resonates on a conceptual level for me

But since I’ve been in a relationship with the wonderful Dee Brown, which is now been for the best part of three years, what it points towards feels rather profound.

If you haven’t heard the term, maybe look it up and see what you think before carrying on with this blog so it makes a bit more sense.

A man I know wrote once:

If you find yourself leaving your true nature or heart throughout the day, becoming stressed or losing touch with peace, take a few minutes to reconnect. This can be done by lying down, taking a walk, meditating, reading a book or having a bath.

All the above are helpful ways to reconnect with myself during busy periods. In fact I find myself constantly looking for ways to reconnect and remember that I am not this anger that has arisen, or this sadness or helplessness that is apparently ‘who I am’ in this moment.

But I consider myself even luckier because I have something else which has turned out to be a blessing …

Spending time with Dee, or even just connecting over the phone for a few minutes, is like a magic tonic for the soul that I am unable to verbalise..

..or simply sitting with her, nothing needs to be said. I couldn’t give a fly’s fart about any conversation or needing to fill the space with words when we’re together, if it doesn’t feel needed.

When I’m with her there is a profound relaxation of my nervous system. This was a new experience for me and there was a lot of resistance to begin with.

It’s like I’ve taken a small dose of valium or something, there is an intense physical relaxation that’s very noticeable.

In the beginning, when I would find it challenging to accept certain things about myself which I’d (and others) had unconsciously (and consciously) chosen to reject or dislike all my life, it was a real shock to see that Dee could love those parts, almost unconditionally, even if I couldn’t yet.

For the first time in my life, it seemed like the more I could surrender to being myself and less like someone else, the more she would love me. Literally, the more myself I would be, no matter how bizarre, the more love would flow.

This initially helped flex the self acceptance muscle and I slowly started to realise that the parts of myself I’d been rejecting all my life was maybe just a choice I had been making. An old pattern, which maybe wasn’t useful anymore. After all, if Dee could love those parts of myself, why couldn’t I?

Without a beard I look like an 11 year old boy

Being in such a loving relationship, with someone who is my best friend as well as my right arm, along with the blessing of an amazing family, has helped me realise that maybe there is no need to fix or change anything about myself.

Maybe love is not about being perfect. Maybe love just is, and it doesn’t give a shit what I’m like as a person.

Before realising this I think I may have had it all wrong..

This is the voice of a part of myself I often referred to as Terry, who’d always find fault in my actions.

After meeting Terry, I decided to give him a different job. One that didn’t involve constant criticism.

When I look at plants, or when a really cute cat headbutts my leg and purrs, I spend time with my daughter, cook and laugh with my parents, hug my sister, be in the company with Dee: all the above mixes into one.

When I am able to give myself to the moment and forget about any pre-conceived ideas about how I should be as a person, or how life should be, all the above become indistinguishable. If only for a few moments. But those moments seem to be enough.

I use the word love. It’s indescribable, its as sweet as a peach in treacle, and it feels like even the ‘L’ word can only point towards its true essence without fully capturing it…

So when I look at a cute cat that makes my heart melt, I might see a flicker of Dee. Or if I’m looking at a really cute baby, I might notice my parents in there somewhere. Or if I’m staring at an amazing tree in the middle of the countryside, all of a sudden I’ll see Reese!

And now when I hug Dee, something else happens. It’s like the hug is imbued with ‘something else’..

Over a period of years, the love that was so objective and dependant on circumstances has started to widen to include that idea of ‘something else’.

I’ve gradually started to see, when consciousness outweighs identification, that the ‘something else’ that is imbued in the hug, which communicates everything and beyond, actually has the potential to be seen as imbued in everything else too.

There might be a lover (Mikey) and a loved (Dee, parents, Reese) but when the idea of love only existing between these ‘objects’ is relaxed, I started asking myself; ‘what if there isn’t actually any boundary to this feeling we call ‘love’ at all?’.

Vaccine or no Vaccine?

“I got them to jab me in my left arm because I like to spoon you on my right side’.

It’s becoming more and more obvious to me that the idea that love only exists under certain circumstances, i.e. between two people and without ‘stressful’ circumstances might not be 100% accurate, thats it could actually be seen everything, if one chooses to look, and it could be available at any given moment, no matter how dire the moment might seem.

Having the experience of such an amazing family and Dee has helped me stay open to this theory and I am confident it will continue to do so

Maybe love really is everywhere. Maybe it’s a choice to see, if I choose it over other old patterns, which is visible which and can be tapped into in any given moment..

…Or maybe not….

.. I haven’t finished with the exploration yet. But for now, the experience of love in itself seems like enough of a blessing. I’ll keep you posted!

7 weeks in

May 6, 2020 hustlehard4lifeLeave a comment

My time during lockdown has been an interesting one too say the least.

I’m hearing lots of stories of people enjoying the quiet time and opportunity for reflection

Whereas I’ve touched on levels of drama and darkness I truly believed I’d transcended, or ‘moved past’, many years ago! Alas, we learn something new every day.

I’ve learned that when living a clean life full of health and vitality, it makes no difference to what’s really there under the surface. In fact, it probably just keeps it hidden for a bit longer until you’re ready to face it.

Everyone knows: healthy body healthy mind. But I’ve realised that darkness was always there regardless of how monk-like my lifestyle has been, and was just waiting for an opportunity to rear it’s head again.

Humility

I am not a Himalayan yogi who is abstinent or who is free from all ‘negative’ emotions and thoughts. Maybe believing that was just part of this new ego which was created to fit in with a different group of people I currently find myself around.

Whether it’s been trying to fit in with some sort of gangster or criminal lifestyle, becoming a children’s nurse ‘against the odds’ or a level headed guy who has mystical experiences and meditates for hours and hours everyday, it’s all just been a character I’ve built up to help me feel like I’m fitting in with those nearby at the time.

Over the past 5 months, I have become very serious. I’ve not allowed much room for play.

Which is a stark contrast to the person I believed myself to be up until now

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But neither is true, because I’m not either. I’m consciousness having a human experience in this body.

Talking of which, my body is not in the best of health. Society would class me has having an ‘invisible disability’, if people chose to see it, but no fucker can see it anyway, so why buy into that?

My brain was damaged severely 8 years ago which altered the course of my life completely.

I do live with the effects of this, meaning my mind isn’t completely clear of thoughts like most spiritual seekers and yogis would profess, because a huge aspect of life after sustaining a severe brain injury is full of extra little gems like severe rumination, mood swings, depression, anxiety, frustration, word finding problems, memory loss, exhaustion and confusion (‘I get that too, don’t worry!’ said everyone).

Thats not the makeup of a yogi or a spiritual seeker surely? Well this just in..

I’m throwing my hands up. I’m not a yogi or spiritual seeker or anything. I’m a human being who doesn’t know what the fuck is going on half the time. I’m in no control whatsoever.

And because no one can possibly even see the invisible challenges that are there, I’ve built up a nice little ‘victim’ persona to help me navigate my way through life.

I do not feel I understand the rules to the game that everyone else is playing.

I also do not blindly follow the rules that everyone else is able to simply accept without questioning

So there are two big reasons as to why I’ve maybe always felt like such an outcast and never really felt able to ‘fit in’ among social groups.

After I woke up from my coma, it was like I could just ‘see’ things as they are. I could read people, I could sense their emotions, their intentions, their energy. I kept seeing things before they happened and it all seemed so obvious, but not to anyone else!

I just don’t feel I can relate, or I feel that I’m on such a different page to everyone else I just go around in circles trying to explain myself. All I want to do now is talk about aliens and communicating with entities. Who the fuck has time for that?!

The more I realise that words aren’t helping, the more I try to talk. This usually ends with feelings of isolation and frustration and often feeling like a complete nobber who should probably have just kept his mouth shut.

dickhead 2

I realised today that I hadn’t written an honest blog for a long time.

This is partly because my new ego was scared of exposing itself as a fraud.

Make no mistake, 90% of what I’ve written here doesn’t sound quite like I meant it to sound, but I guess that’s all part of the lesson.

I’m not a criminal. I’m not a nurse. I’m not a spiritual seeker. I’m not a man. I’m not a ‘doer’ of anything.

All this stuff going on around us which we think we’re in control of would happen whether we’re here or not.

March 29, 2020 hustlehard4lifeLeave a comment

A few months ago, while sat randomly at the dinner table with my parents and sister..

‘I’ve got to say I’m so lucky to have you two as parents and I really do love you both, I mean it. You piss me off sometimes but i’m so lucky’ I said, as I watched my dad twitch from embarrassment from my words.

Ok, so I’d embarrassed them. Fair one. But no one could hide the instant rise in vibration that was now palpable in the room!

However anxious you might be feeling right now from becoming ill from desperado virus, or however unwell you’re feeling because you are ill, connecting with your heart space is something that any of us can do at any time.

Your ability to breathe without coughing could soon be taken away temporarily..

…but the Dopamine, Oxytocin, Norepinephrine and Serotonin (or ‘love drugs’) can’t.

Increased blood flow, stress reduction, longer life expectancy, lower cholesterol and increased immunity (to name a few), these are a few of my favourite things.

No more ‘chasing the buck’ and spending every hour under the sun sat in the office so we can over indulge in copious amounts of unfulfilling items that come wrapped in plastic packaging that will soon end up in the sea.

No, now we’re being forced to spend time with our families at home and shop only for the bare necessities..

FullSizeRender

Mind you, thanks to desperado virus there is now going to be a generation of kids that will be able to say they spent actual time with their parents!

It seems that life has had enough of our obsession with the material and our neglect for being kind to each other and the planet..

venice

..clear Venice waters…

Blue sky vanishes after Beijing's big parade - CNN

….a visible Beijing sky… Videos of dolphin playing in Mumbai sea amid COVID 19 lockdown are ...

…for the first time ever, Dolphins have swam into the shores of Mumbai.

But don’t be fooled by dolphins and my beautiful daughter, ‘love’ is inside us, not outside.

So you don’t technically need a spouse or family, siblings, friends or any of that to experience love. You already are it and guess what, I reckon it might be the only thing that can save us. Want to practice?

Try telling a joke to strangers..

…or simply say hello. Make someone laugh.

Buy a family member or friend some flowers for no reason.

Look at the sky for ‘entertainment’ before you reach for your phone.

I’m not jumping on the ‘positivity towards coronavirus’ band wagon here, those of you who know me know I’ve been writing blogs like this for years.

Desperadovirus, much like my fight to become a nurse with a brain injury, is just another platform.

All I’m gonna say is this:

When I was being ventilated and the doctors were resuscitating me, I wasn’t thinking about getting myself better so I could go back out and earn some money to pay the bills..

Or ‘oh no, I wonder what work will think if I have to call in sick’..

…or ‘at least my electric city bill will be more affordable this month’.

I remember lying in that coma with the smell of dried blood and vomit on my shirt..

..and remembering all the children that were out there that I wanted to make laugh when I would get better and become a qualified nurse.

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I remember feeling my mum cling to my arm as I lay there ‘unconsciously’ as she would tell me ‘you’re going to be alright, you’ll get better and come home to work as a nurse and help people just like the doctors are doing here for you’.

For years I thought that it was my love for ‘nursing’ sick people that had kept me alive…

..and for 8 years I clung onto becoming a nurse because it was only through that I felt I could experience love for myself and other people. It was that love which kept me fighting through hell for so long.

But then I started to realise that the very love I craved was actually available to me at any given moment and I didn’t need to punish myself by working a job that ran my health into the ground and kept me from watching my daughter grow up.

Maybe what’s going on in the world right now could be our opportunity to realise that we all already are love and that we can tap into it whenever we want.

Maybe we don’t need to be scrambling around and working every hour under the sun to find it.

Maybe we don’t need to be running ourselves and the planet into the ground to find it.

Maybe we don’t need to be ‘working’ or ‘doing’ anything to find it.

Maybe that’s all the planet is really asking from us right now? Who knows..

March 28, 2020March 28, 2020 hustlehard4lifeLeave a comment

As as kid, seeing how ugly people were to each other in the world really fucked me up.

‘If you can’t understand them, join them‘, my genius mind (I’ll call him Terry for sake of ease) persuaded me.

Following Terry’s advice, I decided to do a load of drugs and partake in alcohol and got myself involved with some naughty people who were into being really naughty.

‘You need to fit in with the crowd otherwise they’ll see that you’re not really all these things and you’ll be rejected’ Terry have a way of convincing me.

So he helped build me a personality that suited someone who was a violent, alcoholic, drug taking, womanising but sensitive soul.

Always good to have the sensitive soul part to fall back on, just in case I did decide to make a return form the dark side

Then suddenly, after spending a random Thursday night sleeping in a South London police station waiting area, Terry and I had an epiphany to become a children’s nurse and save the world.

So I cleaned up my act, got married, moved to Bournemouth and renounced my life of grime.

And Terry helped me to build a new personality to help me fit into my latest role, which consisted of being someone who;

Wanted to become a qualified nurse and help everyone
Could make children and people laugh under any circumstances
Was great in life saving emergency situations

Then a trip to sunny Mexico really fucked things up for that persona.

So after a divorce but finally qualifying to become a nurse (albeit with a hidden disability and with many years of shit in between), I decided I had to resign after only 4 months of qualifying.

After realising my ‘dreams’ of becoming a children’s nurse were just that: dreams, I had some crazy mystical-as-fuck experiences.

So now, Terry convinced me to become uber spiritual instead and join some meditation and yoga classes.

To be fair to him he worked his arse off with this persona…

..which consisted of the following traits;

Calmness
Peacefullness
Never feeling angry or having many thoughts at all
Just being generally all round mystical

My lifetime of very different personas were all built to protect me from feeling inadequate and help me fit in with whatever part of society I was trying to inveigle my way into.

Each time I’d subconsciously create a new persona, Terry would say;

This is the one that will fit!

And each time it would fit for a short period, but in the end I was always left feeling confused and a sell out.

The latest persona/mask is the only one I’ve been conscious I’ve been wearing..

..but I still thought this would be the one that fit.

Watch out for what masks you’re wearing, because whether the masks are seemingly shitty ones through the eyes of society (alcoholic, drug taking womaniser) or ones that are more socially acceptable (peaceful person who meditates for hours every day), you can’t escape the fact that you’re still only wearing a mask.

And sooner or later, you’ll need to give the mask back because it doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to ‘Terry’.