Life as a love gangster

Just a quick one today, typing on my phone. My filter kicked in to tell me I should keep it to myself as to the reasons  why I am typing from my phone.

I’m all packed and ready for holiday. A long deserved break from a year that has included some pretty challenging obstacles!

The only thing that’s playing on my mind?

Yesterday my friends and their kids came to the beach. I only had four hours with Reese so I needed to take her back way too soon for my liking.

Another sad reminder that she doesn’t feel like my child, like she belongs to someone else.

I will enjoy this holiday, believe me. But I’ll never know who Reese is really spending all her time with, how can I after being fibbed to? Another male figure, who’s not me? She always talks about him to me so at least she likes him, that’s important to me at least.

The time we did spend at the beach (albeit rushed) was wonderful. I could pretend for a few hours That I did have a say in her life!

I love this face she pulls!

It’s worth all this pain, because even if I don’t have much of a say in her life anymore, or get to see her enough,  it’s still worth it for those few precious hours a week I do get to spend with her! I’m the luckiest person in existence to have her.

And I’m glad Dani is happy now, as she deserves, like everyone does. I want to protect her wellbeing as well as Reese’s, that’s what real love is, it doesn’t have to necessarily be reciprocated to be true.

“How can I be the best nurse like you daddy?”

“Because it will just come to you like it did for me!”

“We are the bests nurses aren’t we?!”

… It’s all so worth it for these few yet special moments.

I won’t let this pain get the better of me, there’s just too much to be thankful for!

Just a quick one today, I had a chicken tikka naga for lunch and can’t get off the toilet so I’m typing this from my phone.

I’m all packed and ready for holiday. A long deserved break from a year that has included some pretty challenging obstacles!

The only thing that’s playing on my mind?

Yesterday my friends and their kids came to the beach. I only had four hours with Reese so I needed to take her back way too soon for my liking.

Another sad reminder that she doesn’t feel like my child, like she belongs to someone else.

I will enjoy this holiday, believe me. But I’ll never know who Reese is really spending all her time with, how can I after being fibbed to? Another male figure, who’s not me? She always talks about him to me so at least she likes him, that’s important to me at least.

The time we did spend at the beach (albeit rushed) was wonderful. I could pretend for a few hours That I did have a say in her life!

I love this face she pulls!

It’s worth all this pain, because even if I don’t have much of a say in her life anymore, or get to see her enough,  it’s still worth it for those few precious hours a week I do get to spend with her! I’m the luckiest person in existence to have her.

And I’m glad Dani is happy now, as she deserves, like everyone does. I want to protect her wellbeing as well as Reese’s, that’s what real love is, it doesn’t have to necessarily be reciprocated to be true.

“How can I be the best nurse like you daddy?”

“Because it will just come to you like it did for me!”

“We are the bests nurses aren’t we?!”

… It’s all so worth it for these few yet special moments.

I won’t let this pain get the better of me, there’s just too much to be thankful for!

I’ve always been a very loving kinda guy. I love animals, I love helping and making people happy, I love kids, I love making people laugh, I love good memories. Naw.

I’ve said many times that It’s not easy to understand or even like someone with a brain injury. I can understand this concept entirely, as many of the symptoms we develop are very antisocial.

From needing a quiet moment while your damaged brain reorganises itself to a sudden outburst of frustration caused by the damage to the amygdala situated in your frontal lobe, I can understand why it is misunderstood by so many.

 

I’m dreading going on holiday. Have I made a mistake? I miss Reese too much after one day of not seeing her, I want to cry all the time.  I feel on edge. I feel after only a day of her absence like I’ve lost her to another family.

Fair one. That’s a true statement in one sense. For now.

To be fair there aren’t  many people who would be strong enough to share the type of life I live, it’s not for the faint hearted. Strategically this means I can never truly act on my instinct of wanting to be with anyone again. It puts me right off.

None of that marriage was real. None of it. Sadly, I can see this now.

Although, I knew deep down. I always said it so I’m not complaining or pointing fingers  I am not into that. After all,  I appreciate that I had something I thought was special, even if it wasn’t, because at the time I thought it was. So I’m grateful for that and I feel lucky to have thought it at the time. 

I’m so grateful for what I do have. Yesterday at the beach, Reese told me she cried for me at nursery because she loved me. I was elated.  Since my head injury that is the first time I believed in someone who has spoken those words to me.

Every day a new challenge presents itself, that’s life. 

It’s funny how love and pain can be used as a strength in a fight, as opposed to anger.

You make mistakes with anger.

I have pain and I have love. I have resources and I have strategies. It’s an amazingly powerful feeling to know how far you could go in a war with these few and yet simple qualities.

80% don’t return to work?

Watch me go and get a degree and return to work.

You must understand that many of my blogs are cryptic. For legal and financial reasons they need to be, but try to read between the lines. Everything I write is for a reason and has a purpose, there are no throw away comments. Words written in bold are done so for a reason.

It is fair to say that writing these blogs is a big risk, it’s something I’ve been advised not to do. I currently have two completely separate law firms that advise me. The ‘other side‘ will look for any excuse to extrapolate and manipulate my words to use them against me in a court of law. But I have nothing to hide and other people need hope.

 I live a righteous life and I have my morals. I do not lie. So I believe it is worth writing for all the other TBI survivor’s that are reading these blogs.

But let’s face it. When all is said and done, with the money that is potentially on the line that could really improve my life as a brain injured, my attempt at justifying writing these blogs is about as comforting as Darth Fader reading a bedtime story.

But guess what. Whether I drive a Corsa or a Bentley I will always have a brain injury.

Righteous

Despite being legally entitled to 50% of my wife and I’s house when she suddenly bought me out, I still stood by our verbal agreement that I would only take 27%. In a court of law I was entitled to walk away with nearly thee times as much due to an error in the paperwork, but we had an agreement. Even if someone else could be that deceiving, I am not.

Veritas (Truth)

And then there are my enemies. My poor, bitter enemies that stood up against me and were embarrassingly unsuccessful. They may be reading this now trying desperately to find any weaknesses in the hope that they can take advantage of them.

Perhaps you want to have another go at trying to break me or get me locked up (erroneously of course) and kicked off my nursing course by telling unspeakable lies.

Every single aspect of life is a game. I’ve found that in my personal experiences of playing that the only major difference between these games is that sometimes the rules get changed, or the goal posts are moved. If you don’t learn the rules quickly you’re in for a shock.

NO ONE is exempt from moving your goal posts. Don’t get caught gazing into the crowd, anticipate the movement of the posts. And be ready to act.

My brain injury has made it difficult for me to apply any intelligence that was left after the ‘accident‘. But if someone gives me reason to then I can immediately wind my neck in to the new rules and be confident in applying myself. I only do this fairly of course, I never lie or manipulate. That’s not me.

And I only live in the humble manner of my own light, but it would be foolish to see that as weakness.

 

 

NB to Reese

Never let others lower your morals to their level or jeopardise what you believe is the right thing to do.

 

 

 

I love you must be the most overused phrase in the English language. What does it mean?

Reese is my love in life. If she is the only person that can truly love me even if no one else outside of my family can, then I’ve won. It would be a mistake to even look at her in the wrong way. Or god forbid, if you were to lie about her to me.

Before she was whisked away to NICU with her punctured lung, the first skin to skin contact Reese experienced was when my lips kissed her cheek and my tear dropped on to her nose.

 

When I was young, for me there was nothing more than to love someone and be loved in return. To share your life with someone.

So when I fell in love back in 2009, I knew that I’d do anything for her. I moved my life 120 miles to be with her and thats why I now live in Bournemouth.

 

I have a holiday booked one week from today and naturally my mum and I were reminiscing today about past holidays and my holiday romances.

” Do you remember Jessica? She was a really nice girl, just a really genuine, sweet and nice person. It would never have worked”.

You’d have to be loopy to get anywhere close to me if you’re too nice,  I attract the sort of trouble people could only dream of. Trouble sticks to me like stains stick to a mattress.

A lot of people have fooled me over the years, but even I didn’t expect her to be in a relationship only a few months after asking me for the same.

But that’s life

Now I’m coming to terms with the fact none of that was real. It was an illusion, a fairytale. Yes, she obviously turned out to be the wrong person for me then, in which case how would anyone ever know if anything was real or just an illusion? An act?

Instead of ‘I love you’ it should be ‘I love you for now’, that would be more fitting. 

For me, becoming involved with someone you care about now is as disastrous as making Boris Johnson prime minister. OR as disastrous as his haircut. Take your pick.

 If I ever met someone in the future that I really liked, I would grip myself immediately. There’s nothing worse than repeatedly hurting someone you care about.

My fight for nursing and constant strive for the impossible is down to love. It’s down to the infinite love I have for my daughter. We both nearly died in the same year.

Even though I do not have much of a say in Reese’s life right now, by doing what I’m doing I believe that I’ll teach her something that cannot be taught in a classroom or conversation, or through manipulation.

For anyone still silly enough to get in my way… good luck. And thank you.

NB to Reese

Always thank people for their wrongdoing and enabling you to grow stronger as a result.  

Be still. Be silent. Be total.  See what happens.

 

A bit like the devil, betrayal can take many forms. It can lurk in the shadows without bothering you, sometimes for up to years at a time. It can reside in places you would never have imagined it to be, it has the ability to cling to objects that takes the shape of things that you would trust, a bit like how MRSA clings to dust and lives on surfaces.

Like MRSA, betrayal can be opportunistic, it can colonise on you for years and years without you even knowing it’s there. But the day you become weak, it takes advantage and attacks you.

A friend, distant relative, a person or people you live with, people you think care about you, people you work with or even your own partner… betrayal does not appear to have any boundaries. It can fool anyone and everyone.

As my dear old uni tutor would say… ‘So what?’

So you act with dignity. You act with integrity. No knee jerk reactions, no emotions. Be businesslike, be true to yourself, be honest, be righteous, be truthful, be dignified, it’s the only way. The art of war was not written on emotions and reactions. I believe you don’t become defined by the betrayal you suffer, it’s how you deal with it that will define you.

You have to Live with the fact there may be false and libellous allegations knocking about, maybe there are untruths which could potentially harm you. Or maybe it will just bother you so much that others do not know the real truth, but you have to Just accept this little daisy….thats life. 

This is the opposite of what I’ve been taught in schools and by society. They say you should address the betrayer, communicate, talk it through, seek advice. But then again, I never did let my schooling interfere with my education.

 

The SAS have a saying,

Don’t stress about anything beyond your control. Just Accept it and crack on with the job at hand.

Its the hardest thing to do. But be grateful for having such a huge opportunity to grow as a person. Don’t be bitter or hateful, it only upsets you. Instead, enable yourself to flourish and become a better person for it. Love the betrayal, don’t hate the betrayer.

Writing like this is cathartic for me, although I understand that this is a cryptic blog.

For legal reasons and for reasons I’m not able to go in to, it has to be this way.

My integrity and dignity means I cannot stoop to lower levels, it just can’t be.

This is all part of a journey for me, my journey to becoming stronger and more at peace with life. To make good decisions and to love, not hate.

My journey to provide the best for my daughter and show her the right way to behave and respond to life’s challenges and difficulties. But then again, sometimes I don’t think you need to  spell things out for intelligent people to understand.

 

 

After I’ve written this short blog, I plan to relax with a green tea, packet of monster munch and some relaxing incense candles. Chuck in a bit of Netflix and you’ve got yourself a type of heaven. And the best bit: I have no more uni work so I’ll be enjoying this free of guilt!

I thought to myself today, largely owing to the fact most of my recent blogs have dealt with some pretty tough issues that have come up for me lately, that perhaps this was maybe the time to reflect on just how lucky I am. I have finished my second year of nursing studies after all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A GCS score of 8 or below is an indication of a severe brain injury (NHS Choices). Mine was 6. 

I know, I know. This isn’t the most cheerful or flattering picture of me, but it’s the only one I have of me in this state, which is needed for my point. Although I nearly died here (and a few other times) my mum later went on to disclose that the nurse on the right called me ‘her baby’, which was bound to inevitably make the other two jealous.

 

Putting the other issues aside, it is a miracle I’m alive, letting alone studying for my dream job.

80% of people who suffer a severe head injury do not return to work

97% of marriages fail after a head injury

There have been many people who have made this journey extremely difficult for me, let’s not sugar coat it.

There have been acts of betrayal, cowardice, manipulation and lying to try and ruin it all for me, to end the dream where it should have been ended on my honeymoon. Whilst the others have jumped off the cliff (like lemmings high on cocaine) there have been two people who have remained consistent throughout.

The people who did jump remind me of my university work, It’s a brighter day when they’ve gone.

My mum and dad are an inspiration. 

If you ever wonder why I am the way I am or how I’ve managed this, just look at them. They are the strongest people you could ever wish to meet.

In the early days I would get so frustrated at everything. I used to get road rage just pushing a shopping trolley around Tescos.

They would drop anything for you if you want it. This is your choice, because if you do not want it then you will not have it. But they will always be there to support you if you are willing to accept their love and support. They are the only people I know who haven’t quit.

.

As for the latest bunch of obstacles that are acting against us and the obvious conviction to try and distract me from our goal (for the millionth time, have you not learned by now?), I have two words for you..

THANK YOU

 

Because you couldn’t tie the laces on our shoes.

I’m sure you’ve probably noticed that I’m writing a bit more frequently at the moment and my blogs are shorter. Tomorrow I sit an exam that will mark the end of my second year of nursing and will propel me into my final year.

Everyone knows that ‘finishing something you’ve started’ no matter which obstacles may present themselves, is an important thing we as humans must try to do, especially if they have a real and honest passion and love for it. The only thing I have this much conviction over in my life are my packets of monster munch. 

 

 

I believed (against the statistics) that I could get this far. However, the tattoo just beneath ‘believe’ on my arm reads something quite different. A mantra I have always truly believed in.

 

Because when all is said and done, there is nothing more than To love and be Loved – maybe this sounds a bit cheesy, but I believed in this the moment I heard it many years ago. Perhaps this is why I got married so young.

Those of you without children may not understand the pain I feel every day, those that do will know only too well how it must feel.

 

I’ve made many mistakes in life, poor judgements and poor decisions. Then again, a severe brain injury didn’t help my life choices. Trying to avoid a libellous conviction at one point didn’t help.

But thats gone now. Only the heartache remains.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, by saving Reese and her mum’s life in that crash, it’s given me some solace, some strength. Counting that boy in costa that puts me three lives up, I can live with that.

I know what its like to be loved and for life circumstances to take it away, this is life. People change as the earth spins in space. It may seem too painful and unbelievable to bear at first but I have to adapt, like a chameleon adapts to it’s surroundings.

Sometimes You must be businesslike and logical. I proved this to myself at the beginning of the year, that’s how I came out on top then and countless other times before and I will always continue moving in this way.

 

 

 

Every move is thought out, carefully I plan,

My King takes the rook on the board and I advance.

I suppress my emotions as I move with intelligence,

I can wait longer I’m stronger and more disciplined.

The pain is what I focus on because it fuels my dedication,

I assemble all these traits together into one unbeatable affirmation.

What may appear as truth to others and even at one time to me, 

Will never enable my failure, kill my spirit or integrity.

Why do we write?

It feels cathartic? It helps us work through our problems logically? There are lots of reasons why writing is a good way to deal with the challenges faced in life.

The only way one can help others is by first facing their own problems and working through the pain. You become stronger and your once huge problem becomes reversed.

 

It does hurt that Reese has been spending time with another man without me knowing, against my wishes, against promises made to me. If someone wanted to hurt me they can easily achieve this by using my daughter against me, because she is the only reason I am still alive. I saved her life, she saved mine.

So for me at the moment there is no greater pain that I feel or have ever felt before, which is an opportunity for me to grow spiritually and as a person.

Sometimes it feels like what happened in my life is a dream, to go from so much love to so much pain in such a short space of time.

Thanks Osho, but good jesus it’s never that easy

Be Thankful

To everyone, to your family and friends for the love they give you, to the people on the street for saying hello when they pass, even those who offend or are nasty to you, those that cause immense pain and suffering to you. Thank these people for giving you the opportunity to grow in strength and overcome the temptation of a knee jerk reaction.(OSHO)

There are few people in the world who are really able to accept life with someone who has a head injury. This is old news. This can be lonely for those who have suffered one which is why another strategy to survive must be identified. Slowly over the years people have fallen off my radar.

Actually ‘fallen’ isn’t the right word. More like jumping off the radar like lemmings jump off a cliff. My life is a cliff.

However, my friends at uni have never judged me for it. Perhaps thats because they don’t live with it which is true, but on the other hand they would be free to jump at any point, which they haven’t done yet.

Writing for me IS cathartic, it does help me work through my pain and my emotions. But It is also about the truth, because being black and white it is important I am truthful in my writing or else I am not being true to myself.

Life after a head injury is not easy, it can be nightmarish. Often it’s a living, waking hell. So I have to do what I can to survive it. And I want to achieve the impossible, something I believe I am still good at.

I’ve been taking some time out from my usual fortnightly blogging to focus on treading the good old path to enlightenment. My good friend, Osho, has been helping me along with this new endeavour.

But I’ve had the urge to write for a while, and tonight was the last straw really. So I grabbed my pen (laptop), my notebook (laptop) and am now sitting here hastily writing down my thoughts (typing on laptop).

An hour ago, while Reese was waiting to be collected by her mum, she asked me this:

‘Why is it you don’t live with me anymore? You used to when I was a baby. Is it because I’m not sick like the other children you have to look after?’

Good Jesus Reese I thought I had a few more years to wait before you dropped that atomic bombshell on me. The best I could come up with was ..

‘Well you know Daddy hit his head right? That means he needs to be here so he can have lot of rest’. 

 

A couple of weeks back…

‘Mikey you won’t struggle with this presentation at uni. You’re great at talking in big groups!’

So I had a dummy run today with my parents as an audience to my asthma presentation. I spluttered out the words awkwardly while my brain skipped past vital information (Impulsivity deficit, front and parietal lobes) my lisp started straight away which made it difficult to get my words out.

My tongue has to work twice as hard nowadays (Damage to 4th cranial nerve. Glossopharyngeal (tongue) and a few others also affected in the crash) and when my brain is working so hard to read out information while trying not to kill my parents with the old ‘death by powerpoint’ tactic it seems to require more energy.

Short term memory and word finding can also be a major pain in the cranium too.

For some reason I go pale with the dizziness that arrives shortly after. I look like a blood donor that couldn’t say no. Hopefully this won’t happen on the day.

Organising and planning is  major problem for someone who has haemorrhaged to the frontal and parietal lobes. Not really sure how I’ve made it this far really.

Back to 45 minutes ago…

‘When can I have a sleepover at Daddy’s? When I do can I sleep next to you?’ 

Unfortunately I haven’t had the chance to have Reese overnight because of my night terrors that resulted from the knock to the noggin. I would love nothing more than to wake up with her and make her breakfast while watching My little Pony on my TV. Sometimes I actually fantasise about it.

 I take enough medicine to tranquillise a fat nurse running towards the toilet for her first wee after a 12 hour shift. You have no idea how many colleagues I envisaged just then.

‘Let’s ask mummy in a moment’

Unfortunately mummy gave me exactly the response I didn’t want to hear, but knew to be true. She’s right, I would never forgive myself if I had a terror with Reese next to me. It’s just so hard to accept. I really do love that child more than anything in the world combined infinite fold.

If a blonde woman with a big bum placed a lobster curry in front of me and a gin with tonic, served on a silver platter, it wouldn’t even come close. Obviously. I just wanted to make that comment to lighten the mood.

To those who know me……

When I act crazy and joke all the time, that is when I’m struggling the most. There have been no other strategies for me to use that I could find. When you see me quiet it’s actually when I’m most content I think.

When I look like I’m genuinely happy and laughing that’s because I’m just so relieved in that moment to be away from reality. Annoying how I’m so cryptic I know.

I annoy myself when I’m around people and am surprised at how anyone can tolerate me. I wasn’t like that before, but the infamous knock to the noggin excuse is also pertinent here as well.

I have to work ten times as hard as others and be happy to accept less

I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted Dani has found someone so quickly who can give her what I couldn’t, that’s just life. I’m so grateful to be here, writing this. Every day I wake up and breathe in with such satisfaction. I wiggle my hands (not my toes because I’m just too manly for that) and get out of bed, and whisper ‘thank you’ with every step. Not because I have to either, but because thats how I feel in this life.

I am so blessed and so fortunate to have what I have. It’s important to remember that when I feel a bit down about things. This presentation at uni will mark the end of year two and it, along with everything else that I’ve accomplished to get one step closer, will happen somehow.

I just need to look on my chest for inspiration. The word ‘Reese’ is all that’s needed. And if the 12 other tattoos don’t cut it, I’ll look on my left shoulder and see mine and Reese’s motto ..

Face of an Angel, Heart of a Lion